Heart Plans

It’s Boxing Day and here I am on a flight to Penang… I’ve got a meeting early tomorrow morning.  I’ve decided to give my boss the day off so he can spend Christmas with his family.  (Now I dictate my boss’ schedule, it seems).

So what am I doing blogging…? Well, the flight attendants are never around long enough for me to hit on them… so what else could I do?  I might as well write.

I probably won’t get this post online until tomorrow when I’m back in KL, but at least it will keep my mind occupied.

So what do I have to say about air travel?  Absolutely nothing.  Now everybody flies all the time.  That’s nothing worth writing about.  So I’m going to write about something else… relationships… (do I ever have a different topic?)

Image: Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Anyway… recently my friend was planning out his life… trying to ascertain where he is in his life and when he can possibly share his life with a partner… In other words, he was trying to figure out whether he should get married.

So he came out with a chart… a proposal… business plans… peer reviews… and all sorts of official looking documents.  Another friend was with us at the time and asked me, ‘so, did you do all these charts when you decided to get married?  My answer was quite simple…

‘No, I knew what I wanted.’

Here’s the thing with me.  I do believe that everything should have a plan and your decisions should be based on actual facts and figures… that’s how I do things at the office… that’s how I plan most of my life…  except for matters of the heart…

To me, matters of the heart are things that are totally unquantifiable.  How could you quantify how much you love a person and how much you yearn to spend the rest of your life with them?  Let me give you another example.

I have many friends who really try to plan when to have kids… they look at finances, work schedules, availability of a home in a good neighbourhood, baby sitters… all this planning takes place before they even have sex!!   Now where’s the fun in that?  Could you imagine the conversation that takes place then?

Husband : I believe we should copulate tonight…

Wife : Are you sure about that?  What is the rationale behind this decision?

Husband : Well, I have just secured a $5mil project that is set to roll out within the next quarter of this year.  The bonus I would receive would be enough to start and education fund for our future child.  My travel schedule for the project would mean I would be home nine months from now so I can attend your delivery of the abovementioned child

Wife : That’s excellent news.  I’ll check my body temperature to see if it’s suitable for coitus. 

Huh!?

The heart should get what the heart wants… the conversation should be like this:

Husband : wink wink
Wife : wink
(censored)

You shouldn’t deny what the heart yearns due to budgets, timing, etc.  Just do it.  You then plan your financials and schedules around those ‘heart plans’… When it’s something from the heart you will be able to meet those tight deadlines and budgets for sure.  You’ll work harder at it because you future happiness is at stake.

‘Ladies and Gentleman, we are about to land.  Please switch off your electronic devices like your laptop because you can’t upload the post to your blog now anyway.  Thank you for flying with us.’

I've Got an Excuse...

Ok, this time I've got a valid excuse... sort of...

I know I haven't updated my blog since my birthday.  But I've been busy... not the usual 'busy' that I always say when I am just procrastinating.  It's the real busy... with writing my book.

This whole time I've been trying to come up with the first chapter and the sequence of which I'm gonna put in some of my earlier blog posts... I've also looked at where I'm gonna have to do the re-writes for the blog posts that become chapters.  Also, gaps have to be filled.

In all this time, I've got a frame, and as of a couple of hours ago, my first chapter.

This is definitely not going to be the way I write my blog.  You see, I never read what I write.  I straight away publish it.  That's why sometimes you'll see atrocious grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, etc.  I write whatever comes to mind, and sometimes sentence structure suffers.

This time, I'm actually re-reading everything while I write.  I have to if it's going to be more than the usual 600 words.  The whole thing has to make sense.

Anyway, the first chapter still needs a re-write.  Missing a lot of the usual spunk and humour.  I even feel that the first few paragraphs sounded like a script to a documentary.  I'll get to it later...

I wonder if I'll ever finish it, considering the fact that it has taken me years to get around to doing this....  let's hope I really get into my groove...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to Me... Happy Birthday to Me... Happy Birthday to Yet Another Decade!! Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Yes, it's that time of year again.  My birthday.  I'm 32 this year...

This also means that it's the 2nd year anniversary of "Yet Another Decade"... I know those of you who look at the tiny details will say that it hasn't been two years since I started the blog... BUT, I did plan on starting it when I turned 30... and it's the intentions that matters... right?

Anyway, it's been a really great year for me... I won't dwell too much on that, since I've already written about it in a post called "As Luck Would Have It..."... (at least in the first paragraph)...

This year I've decided to go into hiding during my birthday... this is to avoid any situations that would somehow screw up my birthday... so far, I've had a great time doing absolutely NOTHING... I guess for a person that cannot stand still, doing nothing is a very welcomed rest.

This birthday is not so much about celebration... it's about being thankful for all the great things that happened to me in this one year...  I started it on a bad note (no, I'm not going to tell you guys what happened).  But in retrospect, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I would like to thank my friends and family who have been there for me this year... without all of you, I'm sure I would be a bitter 30-something guy who hates the world... but instead, I'm happy to be 32 this year... with a heart that's 21... and looking forward to year number 33.

Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 3

If you're already here at Lesson 3, then you should really look into where you get your relationship advice... I'm not saying you shouldn't read this blog, or shouldn't buy the book when it comes out (if it ever comes out)... I'm saying that every relationship is different.  There is no hard and fast rule about what the logical next step should be.  You should always go with whatever your heart says when it comes to a relationship... of course, if you've been single for the past decade, then a little help from this guide couldn't hurt.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Assuming that your first date went well, then the both of you are probably gonna give it a try... so now, you're actually 'seeing' someone.  I wouldn't start putting lables like "dating, couple, boyfriend, girlfriend, love interest" and etc just yet... you've just gotten past the first date... now take it nice and slow... what's your rush?

It baffles me when some of my friends go out with somebody once, and already considers that person their boyfriend/girlfriend... I feel like that's way to fast... being a couple requires commitment.  How could you possibly decide to commit to somebody after just one date?

I know, to each his own... you might argue that sometimes you can feel like that person is 'the one'... if it wasn't possible, than how would I explain 'love at first sight'?

I know I've written about this 'phenomena' before... can't remember where... but the gist of it is that I don't believe in such things... there's 'infatuation at first sight', 'horny at first sight', 'like at first sight'... but no such thing as 'love at first sight'... love requires understanding somebody, trusting them, letting them see you at you lowest lows and highest highs... how do you get all that from one date?

Anyway, these next few weeks or months will be the time that you both get to know each other a little better... don't try too hard.  You might be tempted to buy gifts for the other person, or leave cute notes, or send nude pictures of yourself... go ahead, but do only what you feel is something you can do for the rest of your life.  You do not want to 'wow' the other person, but when you're in fully committed relationship with them, you stop doing it... that will just ruin things between you two at a time when it means a lot more to be together.

Also, don't be a lazy bum... I know some people say 'you should love me for who I am'... but that's really pushing your luck.  If you care for a person, you would make some concessions or sacrifices.  Again, these are things you can do for the rest of your life...

Confusing, right?  Do something for the other person, but don't do too much, or too little... Unfortunately, there's no way to quantify this.  You have to find a balance that's comfortable to both of you.  You don't want to leave the other person wanting, nor do you want to suffocate them.

It's a fine balance that you have to achieve... and that's why not all relationships work out... you don't find that balance... trying to figure out that balance early before you commit is the key... of course, most of us ignore the signs... we then get into a fully committed relationship, and somewhere down the line, break up.  It's the need in society to label people as a 'couple' that makes us rush into things... it's like reading the first chapter of a book, then skipping right to the last one... we have no idea what happened in the story.  How are you supposed to make a decision on whether the book was good?

So where do you go from here?

If you can't find that balance, go to Lesson 1
If you can find that balance, go to Lesson 4

Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 2

You're on a roll now, aren't you?  You were cool... you were smooth... you got the first date.

Now some of you might be thinking that this is more of for guys... I talked about how to approach the target, how to get the first date, etc... if you think that, then you're living in the 1920's... women won the right to work, the right to vote... now they have the right to ask guys (or girls, depending on their orientation), out.

Now back to the first date.

You might want to avoid a movie... you see, I used to do that... I meet a girl that I want to get to know, so I ask her out and take her to see a movie... big mistake!

Why is it a big mistake?  You see, the first date is all about judging whether or not you two (or three and above... again, depending on your orientation) actually click together... if you're going to pursue a relationship, you have to know if that person is fun to talk to, interesting, have an annoying laugh, chews with their mouth open, etc.  The problem with a movie is that... well... you both just stare at the screen.  That's two hours into the date that you spend without talking to each other.

I've got a story... (of course I do)... this happened a long time ago... I asked this girl out and we went to see a movie.  First problem : there was really nothing good playing, but because somewhere in my head, it's customary to go see a movie on a first date, I bought tickets to 'Kull The Conqueror'.  I'm not saying that it was a bad movie, because I don't do movie reviews here on this blog.  But it was really bad.  Now, during the movie, I couldn't defend my choice of movie because, well, can't talk during a movie.

To make matters worse, I kept on having to go to the gents.  The girl seriously thought that I was so nervous about the date that it caused the frequent trips to the gents.  In actual fact, I've got a small bladder... but there was no way of correcting the facts (though bladder issues aren't the best conversation topics on dates) because we had to be quiet during the movie...

So, two hours into the first date, she thinks I've got bad taste in movies and I'm nervous till I have to pee.  Not exactly the best impression.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For the first date, it's best to stick with a situation where you can talk in a relaxed environment... a simple meal or coffee would be great... this way, you spend the critical first few hours getting to know each other... that's what the first date is all about...

Oh yeah, before I forget, I should remind you to NOT BRING YOUR FRIENDS.  The first date is all about getting to know each other... not your friends.  Plus, you don't need extra judging eyes at the table.  Two pairs are more than enough...

It's best to keep the first date as simple as possible... don't think too much about the implications... after all, it's just the deciding factor of whether or not you're going to give a relationship a chance... errr... well... might be a bit important.

Now, get yourself on that first date... after that, you'll have to decide whether you can proceed to Lesson 3, or head back to Lesson 1.

Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 1

I was complaining the other day (okay, I complain most days) about how I haven't started writing my book and began my career as a starving artist... (now, I'm just a starving consultant)... my problem is I haven't decided what to write about... so my friend tells me to write a bunch of short pieces about relationships, just like this blog.

Sounded like a good idea because I'm really horrible at relationships... but as they say, 'Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach'... So this leads us to the subject of this post... I'm going to write a series of posts about what dating is... a step by step guide on the do's, don'ts and the wtf's... after that I'll put it all into a book.

Of course the book will be the full version, with more goodies inside (I'm going to resort to putting marijuana samples inside to boost sales... plus I'm pretty sure it's more fun to read if you're stoned)... that way, you'll still want to go out and buy it...

Class, our first lesson is...

Lesson 1 : Getting Your Foot in the Door

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

First impression is always the most important.  You don't want to look like a total moron, unless of course the 'target' likes morons... (you'll be surprised at how many people fall for moronic behaviour... I have a 'pizza hut' story which would serve as a perfect example, but won't share it with you guys until after I tell the story during the couple's wedding).

You want to be cool, but not winter type of cold... reminds me of what happened to me the first week I entered university... we were all lining up to register for something... everybody was dressed in old t-shirts, jeans and sandals... I decided to go all with a more stylish look...

I can't really remember what I was wearing, but I do remember the sunglasses (it was sunny, and we were outside).  I was in my "I'm cool and I don't give a damn what you think" phase (that phase lasted about two weeks).  There were three girls behind me... one was hot and the other two were not bad...

So the hot one starts talking to me... imagine three girls with an "OMG! He's so cool!" look and me with the most arrogant facial expression you've ever seen...

Hot Girl : hi... you're Syam, right?

Me : yeah...

Hot Girl : i'm (name1) and this is (name2) and (name3)

Me : hmmm...

Hot Girl : you're from XX college, right?

Me : yup...

Hot Girl : so your taking YY course, right?

Me : yup...

As you can see from this example, I was a total ass... unable to have a simple conversation... suffice to say, I did not end up with Hot Girl... in fact, never spoke to her ever again, though I did see her around...

There is of course the very opposite end of the spectrum on how to 'break the ice' with that target of yours... people like somebody funny... you have to admit that you are more comfortable with a person if he's easy going, cracking jokes... releases all the tension...

I have an example... (of course I do...).  This happened a long time ago... my friend told me of his experience in trying to get a date with this hot older girl... it wasn't his idea... he had a bunch of friends responsible for that decision.

Anyway, he goes to the convenience store and get a mini candy bar... Cloud 9, for those who remember it.  Not a whole candy bar, but a mini one.  Then he goes up to her while she was with all her friends... daring... and he immediately goes into this speech... (the speech was in Malay, but I'll give the loose translation instead)... now imagine the goofiest looking 17 year old going up to a hot older girl who's hanging out with her friends...

Friend : XX
Hot Older Girl : yes?
Friend : Please accept this candy bar as a token of my love for you... I know that it is not much of an offering for you deserve so much more, but it is everything that I can give right now... and everything is what you'll get from me if we are together... would you like to go out with me?
Hot Older Girl : hahahahahahaha... okay...

It was original... it was funny... so she said yes... (by the way, they never went out... a few minutes later, she saw my friend being carried around like a conquering hero by his friends for getting a date with her... she was not amused)...

There's many different ways for you to get the attention of the one you like... there's really no set formula on what works best.  My best advice to you is to be yourself.  If you were to start with a fake personality, then you have to continue faking it for the entire relationship... either that or disappoint the other person when they find out that you are not the same person that they initially liked...

There's always something good about every person... and there is at least one person out there who will see it during the first meeting... so relax, be yourself, and get your foot in the door.

Silent Voices

I was going through my blog just now... I still can't figure out how to fully configure the template to get it just the way I want it to be... this is what happens when you have basic IT knowledge, but yet you want to reach the masses through the virtual world.

That was a boring introduction, wasn't it?  Let's try again.

I was going through my blog just now... it's amazing what I read between the lines... you see, this blog is about my opinions at different stages of my life... I may give you, my readers, a peak into other people's lives, but hardly ever is it into mine.  I can't tell you about me some of the events that I go through... that would be an invasion of my privacy (though it would be weird that I invaded my own privacy).

There were very significant events in my life in these past two years that I've kept this blog, but unfortunately I don't share them with you.  I'll save it for my future best selling autobiography.

There are two different types of people in this world... the type who like to talk about their lives and those who don't.  I would have to be the former... I do like to tell my stories... though who I tell it to depends on what type of relationship I have with them.  If it's a client, then I wouldn't tell them anything more than who I work for... with close friends, even the smallest details like how I felt at that moment.

Whatever it is, I still feel the need to talk to someone about everything... I need to share my happiness and my grief... I can't keep everything bottled up inside... it would probably drive me insane...

What's scary are those people who do not like to talk about themselves... they keep their problems all bottled up.

Image: savit keawtavee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I was an undergrad, I had this one friend.  We weren't very close.  She was my age.  One night she got really sick... she couldn't move.  So, we rushed her to the hospital.  Turned out to be 'blood poisoning'.  They couldn't pinpoint how it happened so they let her go.

Several years later, I found out that she tried to kill herself.  It made sense now.  That time when she 'sick' was actually a suicide attempt.

I don't know what was bothering her, but it drove her to that... I don't know what she's up to now, but I do hope that she's found somebody that she can talk to about her problems.

We don't live alone in this world.  There's always somebody there to talk to.  You might not have the family or the friends, but there are people out there who are willing to listen and willing to help.

I know that this is a dark topic, which is a rarity for my blog.  But it has to be said.  Exam season is upon us and it is really sad when you read about a school kid committing suicide because of the pressure.

If you are uncomfortable about talking to someone, then write a blog...

If you need help, there are several organisations that can help.  One that I know of is Befrienders Worldwide.  Their website is www.befrienders.org.my (for Malaysia).

Cold War

This morning, I read something interesting on facebook... it was my friend's status...

Yes, in this new age, I get my inspiration for writing from facebook status messages... to tell you the truth, that's all I have time to read nowadays...

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Anyway, the status read like this (of course I'm paraphrasing, because I don't want to pay royalty) : if you and your partner were in the middle of a 'cold war', would you make the effort to patch things up, or would you wait for the other person?

I say you should wait it out and make the other person SUFFER!!

I'm just kidding... since when have I been so cruel?

There are actually a few ways at looking at this predicament...

1. If you ignore something long enough, it will go away by itself... now, I have always been a firm believer in "I don't know how, but things have a way of working itself out"... It's actually the lazy man's solution to everything.  Amazingly, in some cases, it does work out for the best.  The problem is whether you are willing to take that risk.

An example of this would be a growth on your neck which keeps on getting bigger... you can wait for it to go away by itself, but most likely, you will die.

You must be able to weigh the situation, and use this method only if the risks are negligible... there are 'problems' in a relationships for which this applies... for example, a partner who wouldn't take out the trash when you ask them to... how long could it possibly last? A day at most?  Plus, they'll learn a smelly lesson...

By the way, I've tried this method with my credit card bills... doesn't work.

2. Some things are better left unsaid... put it this way... you've agreed to disagree... of course, this is not the ideal solution to a problem, but sometimes it can't be avoided.  There is no point in trying to have the last say about the situation.

But... (of course there's a 'but'), both of you need some time sort things out internally... you need the time to evaluate the effects of the disagreement on your relationship.  This takes time, and is usually done with the usual 'silent treatment'... of course, when you both decide that it's okay if neither of you win and you should move on, then the cold war ends... no effort required.

Please note that a move to patch things up early by either party will cause dissatisfaction from the other party for breach of terms of cease fire... (is this a blog or a legal document?)

3. Buddy, you've got issues... if you're here, then most probably you guys don't talk things out... so many things are left unsaid, and the issue festers inside.  This usually happens when one person has a big issue, and the other person has no idea... who's fault... obviously the former... What? You think everybody can read your mind?

Even though it may seem easier to 'not talk about it', it's better if you just have it out.  If you are ready to 'end the war', so to speak, but the other person is not and you have no idea why, force it out of him/her.  You might not like what you hear after that, but it's something that you have to listen to and deal with.

I have seen many situations where problems are swept under the rug in the relationship.  One day, a tiny issue comes out and it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.  You'll feel like an idiot if your answer to 'Why did you guys break up?' is 'There were some issues but we finally broke up because she coughed while I was reading the newspaper.'

4. I need some lovin'... let's face it.  All of us need attention.  Some more than others.  Starting a cold war is just a means to an end.  You've got to learn to differentiate which ones are serious and which ones are just downright silly.

If your partner is being an ass and not talking to you for no good reason, then be the bigger person and give 'em some lovin'... candy, flowers, a night out, a lap dance... whatever tickles your fancy.  Careful though... if it turns out to be no. 2 or no. 3, then you might just incur the wrath of your partner.  So be absolutely sure of the situation before putting on that thong and strutting your stuff...


All things said and done, I strongly believe that the whole cold war/silent treatment thing is just a waste of valuable relationship time.  Your time on earth is very short, and the time you have with a loved one is even shorter.  Make every second count, for you'll never know when you might lose it all.

As the saying goes... "make love, not war"...

You're a Big Boy Now...

It has finally happened.... my son is ashamed of me... not that I've done anything that he should be ashamed about... at least, nothing that he would understand at his age... but the usual shame of having your dad there at school in front of your friends...

Actually this has been going on for a while now, but I haven't gotten around to writing about it...

Anyway, my son is six years old... pre-school... at home he's the most loving and manja kid in the world... we would read together, watch tv together, play video games together, etc... always with the hugs and kisses... but at school... hmmm....

I have resorted to being the pathetic parent that can't seem to get enough of their kid... the other day I sent him to school.  He had some sort of pot luck event, so I helped him carry the food to his classroom... he was cool about it, even let me hold his hand all the way to his class.  When we got to his class, I whispered to him "can I have a kiss?"... he actually had an annoyed expression on his face.  But being the good son that he is, I got my kiss, though it probably embarrassed the heck out of him.

I know, I know... this happens to every parent... kids grow up, and parents are not cool.  But I thought I had at least until secondary school...

My son does seem to grow up too fast, and I only have myself to blame... you see, I've always spoken to my son like he's an adult... I answer his questions with full scientific explanations, I provide him with the rationale behind all my rules, I have never used 'baby-talk' with him, etc... don't get me wrong.... I never deprive him of my love... it's just that I'm very straightforward... here's an example of me 'disciplining' him...

Me : have you finished your homework?

Harith : ... not yet...

Me : what are you waiting for?

Harith : but I'm tired...

Me : concentrate on it and get it over with...  then you can rest...

Harith : but there's so much to do...

Me : fine... you don't have to do your homework.  but you better be willing to face your teacher tomorrow without your homework done.

Harith : ok, ok... I'll finish it....

I've hardly ever raised my voice and I've never hit him... and what do I get for that? AN ADULT SON!!

I guess I shouldn't complain... he's extremely well behaved compared to other kids out there who reinforce my dislike for kids... 

I just wish I had a few more 'baby' years with him... soon he'll be a teenager, then get his degree... find a job, get married and have a family of his own...

I know what I'm gonna do... show up at his office and give him a kiss... ;)

Selamat Hari Raya!

I know, I know... I even missed the last day of Raya. What did you expect? I love to procrastinate! :P

It's the thought that counts, right?

Anyway, from the Board of Directors (me), Management (me) and Staff (me) of Yet Another Decade, we (I) would like to wish all our (my) Muslim readers a Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir & Batin.

As Luck Would Have It...

I've had a string of good things happening to me the last few months... I've been brought back to KL, I've been given the opportunity to head up something new in the company, I've been promoted at work, I've had a chance to catch up with old friends who I've missed during all that time I was in Penang, my son is doing well in preschool, I had a great vacation with some friends, I had a great vacation with my family, I've had a chance to try new things that I've always wanted to such as bungee jumping, go-kart, paintball... the sun is shining, weather is great when I'm outside, it rains only when I'm inside, and rainbows are everywhere...

As you can see, I've been a happy camper...

But there must always be two sides to a coin... and when it rains, it pours... let's see what I've been going through lately...

1. sprained my wrist and left it for two weeks... suddenly couldn't move my wrist without experiencing extreme pain... have been wearing a wrist brace for the last few days

2. the parking management at my office had some mix up and took down my reserved signage... people kept on taking my space whenever I went out for an appointment...

3. haze in KL triggered my asthma... have been walking around with a ventolin inhaler for the past few days...

4. an old summons wasn't on the online system for the past 2 days... suddenly I get blacklisted and I only found out 2 days before my driver's license expires... only managed to get my license renewed a few days after it expired

5. got into a car accident yesterday... my foot slips and hits the accelerator while stopped at a traffic light... and so happens the car was in drive...

6. there was intermittent blackouts in my neighbourhood yesterday... I bought candles and fresh batteries for the flashlight... and when I changed the batteries, the light bulb in the flash light burns out...

That's a list of the things I can remember... I'm sure there are smaller things that I didn't notice...

I was stressed out about the string of 'bad luck' that I've been having lately... it seemed like it would never end... but then something happened this evening... actually it started this morning...

This morning I took the guy I hit to the workshop to get a quote on how much the repairs on his car would cost... he could take half a day off work to get it done... turns out that the repairs would take the whole day... he couldn't take the whole day off because he had tonnes of work, but also because he just joined the company two months ago... so, since he was working in downtown KL, I decided to drop him off on my way to work, and then pick him up and take him to his car after work... after all, the accident was definitely my fault...

So the day went by without any 'incidences'... and sent him to his car... he was happy with the work the workshop did... he's happy that I helped him get to work and home... he even got some career advice for his wife who wants to change jobs...

So this is what I realized... it's not about how many bad things happen to you... it's how you deal with out... you can either choose to be in a bad mood and curse the awful luck, or you can make the best out of the situation and come out of it with a smile...

I know what I did for the guy wasn't much... after all, I was the root of his problems... but the fact that I helped to ease somebody's burden made me feel better about my life... I have a lot of good things going on in my life, and I'm able to share that with a total stranger... and I wouldn't have had that opportunity if I didn't have my string of bad luck that led to the accident.

I know my 'theory' is kinda shaky... but if you learn to look at the silver lining to every cloud, then you would generally be a happier person... and who wouldn't want that...

I'm feeling lucky... Genting, anyone?

I Am What I Am

Ideally, in love, you should accept the person for what he/she is… what makes love different than any other type of relationship is that it’s unconditional.

Take for an example the professional relationship you have with your boss. It’s based on your ability to provide a certain amount of work based on the amount of salary you get. If you don’t perform, you don’t say to your boss “but that’s the way I am, and you have to accept these shortcomings”… that would just get you one step closer to being fired…

From an initial observation, it would certainly seem that love is the best type of relationship… you don’t have to change… correct?

If that’s what you think, then you must be delusional…

Have you never heard of all those sappy love songs that go on and on about being a better person because they are in love? (an example of which is All 4 One’s “Better Man”). They all tell you that because you’re in love, you want to be a better person… because your loved one deserves an even better person than you already are.

But wait a minute… I thought that if you’re in love, then the other person will accept you for who you are, no matter how awful of a person you are… I bet Hitler’s wife loved him even though he did many bad things… So what’s the deal here? Are you supposed to change even though you don’t have to?

Here’s my two-cents worth (it may be worth less than that because I don’t seem to make any money off this blog)… just because you don’t have to change, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to be a better person… if being a better person will make your loved one happier, than why not do it?

Of course, whether you succeed in being a better person or not is secondary… the fact that you try makes all the difference… if you end up a failure when it comes to changing, then your loved one will accept you for who you are… but if you don’t care what your loved one thinks about you, and you don’t try… well, then it just makes you a total loser… a person who doesn’t even try…

Let me give you an example… (since I’m also quite confused with what I’ve written…)

Let’s say you have only passed secondary school… you work as a clerk, earning very little… you meet the girl of your dreams and you want to start a family… so you start thinking about how you will be able to support this family… you can:

a) a) Do absolutely nothing about it, and just tell your wife to be that the both of you are going to have a tougher than average life, but you both love each other no matter what

b) b) Go take night classes and earn your degree, get a better paying job and make your life together a bit easier…

c) c) Go take night classes, fail and still be in the same situation as before… so you tell your wife to be that the both of you are going to have a tougher than average life, but you both love each other no matter what

Now, I’m sure your loved one will love you regardless of which option happens… but option a) will surely piss them off… option c) would mean that you are stuck, but at least the person tried their best… and then it makes sense for them to love you, even though you are a failure… because that’s who you are…

It all comes down to whether you put in an effort or not... after all, love, like everything else in life, is something you work at...

So are you a failure or a loser?

3, 2, 1... Bungeeeeee

People always say that in order to get over your fears, you have to face it dead on. I have a fear of heights... I can't even get on a step ladder to change a light bulb without freaking out a bit...

So, I tried something extreme to get over my fear... bungy jumping.

Here's a video...

As you can see, I was scared out of my mind... but I still did it anyway. It was WICKED!

I guess that's the attitude that you have to take in life. There will always be things that you will be afraid of in life. But if you don't take the plunge (in my case, quite literally), you might be missing out on the possibility of something good in your life.

By the way, I'm still afraid of heights... I guess I'm going sky diving next...

Lack of Grief

Earlier this week, I had to deal with a death in the family… my aunt (my dad’s younger sister) passed away. She’s been sick for quite a while, so her passing wasn’t a surprised at all. I did get a chance to visit her in the hospital a few days before it happened, and it didn’t look good. I won’t go into the details out of respect for the family.

What I am going to talk about is how I feel about death… here it is… I feel nothing. I do admit that it’s sort of weird… ok, it’s more than weird… I noticed this many years ago. Whenever there was a death in the family, I didn’t feel the usual grief. At that time, my uncle (my dad’s elder brother) passed away.

It wasn’t like I didn’t care about him or he didn’t care about me. In fact, he was quite nice to me. I remember the first time my parents went for their Hajj. He was the first of my relatives to call and check up on me to make sure I was doing ok, since it was the first time I was going to be home alone for an extended amount of time.

But losing a caring uncle didn’t do anything to me… I thought back about when I lost my maternal grandfather, and then my paternal grandmother… again, nothing… since then, there have been a few more deaths in the family, without any emotional effect on me.

This makes it impossible for me to relate to a friend who has suffered a lost… when one tells me that they have lost a loved one, I take a lot of time trying to figure out the right words to console them, since I have never had the need for such words.

I know it’s weird… most people would agree it’s weird… well, only one person doesn’t think it’s weird… one of my friends say that it’s a good thing… that I accept death as part of life… that death is expected. I sort of agree with that…. But I would like to add the fact that, yes, death is expected… so you make the most of the time you have with those you love and care for.

To tell you the truth, this time around, things were a bit different. I’m not saying I’m totally cured of my insensitivity… but my aunt’s passing got me thinking.

You see, my aunt was a very nice person… in fact, I can’t think of a single incident in my whole entire life when she was not a nice, polite and caring person… I used to spend quite a lot of time at her house when I was younger, so I would say that I had a front row seat. Her kids all loved her, and spent a lot of time with her, even though they all have their own families now. They were all calm when she passed… I’m guessing it’s because they have no regrets about their relationship with their mother.

So back to what I was thinking… have I made sure that I won’t have any regrets when a loved one passes?

As I’ve written before in a previous post, I’m not exactly the poster boy for the concept of “a good son”… but I’m not just talking about my parents. This is about every relationship you have in your life… your immediate family and beyond…

Could I safely say that I can maintain this indifference towards death in the future? I doubt I can… to not feel grief would be a possibility… but to not feel remorse, now that’s going to be a challenge…

I'm not going to commit to a plan or anything... it's just something that needs to be pondered... and when the time comes, I hope I can do something about it...

Movin' Along

Bali was awesome!!

Wait up… did I mentioned the fact that I was going to Bali? Well, if I didn’t, then let me just tell you that… well… I went to Bali recently. (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

We had a tour guide cum driver that made things much easier… seriously, I would have just gotten lost. All the roads look the same.

We did the whole t

ourist thing… visiting temples and landmarks… it was really lots of fun… for those who are on my Facebook, have a look at the pictures…

Anyway, one place that he took us to was the place where they shot “Eat, Pray, Love”. Well, we just had a look at it from on top of a hill. Ketut Liyer’s house is somewhere behind the yellow building in the picture… we didn’t actually go down because we had other places to see…

While I was looking at the place, it reminded me of the book… To tell you the truth, I’ve only attempted to read the book… I have the DVD, but never got around to watching it. The reason is, the story (the beginning part of it, at least) is so extremely depressing!

You see, Elizabeth went through a tough time in her life. She then went on this journey and wrote a book about it… for the book to have meaning, she would have to tell the reader what happened in her life. It’s not to say that everything mirrored my own life, but I could really relate to it.

There are events in my life that I’ve gone through which I would consider being a closed case… I’ve moved on, so to speak. But when I read the book, I started to relate the story to those same ‘closed cases’… and I ended up reopening those cases.

If they were happy memories, then I won’t mind a single bit. But these are things that I tried very hard at the time to move on from… and I thought I did. It turns out that I just merely forgot about it… focused my attention elsewhere. Those sad memories are still there, locked up in a little box at the back of my mind.

Now this got me thinking… have I ever actually moved on when a problem hits me? Or do I just forget? Is there even a difference?

I would have to say that to ‘move on’, you would have to be able to talk about the subject without feeling sad, depressed, remorse, etc… And I believe I can do that for most things from my past… but there are some things which continue to haunt me ‘till now…

Now don’t get me wrong… I don’t lose sleep over these things… it’s just that if it was ever brought up, then I would probably spend a good one week going over it again and again in my mind… then I forget… again.

I guess there are some skeletons that just remain in the closet your entire life… you have to gather enough strength to bring them out and bury them…

Got a shovel I can borrow?

Some Things Always Change…

I was downtown just now to get myself a new ‘baju melayu’… for those who don’t know what that is, it’s the traditional Malay outfit… mainly it’s used for special occasions nowadays, though some people still wear it on a daily basis.

I haven’t gotten a new one in years… in fact, the last time I had one made was when I got married. After that, I’ve just been reusing the few that I have… the reason is, well, I use it only twice a year. Kind of a waste of money to buy a new one every year… And the ones I get are not exactly cheap. I always get mine tailor made out of satin, at the same tailor I’ve been going to since I was small. And that’s not even including the ‘samping songket’ that goes along with it… I’m not that good at explaining things like that so here’s the wiki link for it à http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baju_Melayu

The reason I needed to get a new one for this year is because I’ve gained weight… for those who know me personally, I’m pretty sure you are all asking “what weight”? Well, I have… in all the wrong places… it’s one of those things (along with losing my hair) that I’ve always dreaded… my waist is now 33”… now that doesn’t sound bad, but consider the fact that I used to have a 28” waist…

I would like to say that the extra inches are from my ‘two-pack abs’ which has grown because of my time in the gym… let’s give it a good 2”… the rest, I’m afraid is flab!!

My day didn’t end there… I went for lunch at this biryani place on Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman… I’ve always liked the food there… and I haven’t been there in years… I would never pass up a chance to eat there whenever I was in the area…

Guess what? The food wasn’t as good as I remembered it! And the portions seem to have gotten smaller… I used to feel light headed after eating there because I ate too much… today, I was even a bit hungry afterwards…

I know you must be thinking that it’s because of my larger appetite nowadays… but seriously, it’s the size of the portions…

So there you go… in one day, two things that I didn’t think were ever going to change… well… changed…

In this fast paced world, change is of course inevitable… it’s the buzzword in the corporate world… heck, part of my job is change management… We know we need change, we know we need to change, but are we really prepared?

Of course it’s easier to say that we are in the workplace… we’ve got process flows, charts, diagrams, subject matter experts, consultants, market intelligence, blah blah blah… but what about in your personal life? Are you ready to deal with the changes there?

Take me for example… I used to smoke much more than I do now… could play sports once a year and have all the stamina required… heck, when I was playing softball during my undergrad days, I used to have a smoke with the pitcher at the end of innings… drove the coach nuts! But look at me now… I do smoke a lot less… but put me on a treadmill for more than five minutes, and I’ll be scrambling to find an oxygen tank… (actual words from me to my personal trainer at the gym : PLEASE!!! I’M DYING!!! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! *pant *pant).

We seem to never be ready for the changes in our personal life… you, as a person will change over time… the dynamics of your relationships will change over time… and you can’t expect things to always be the same. How many couples do you know used to be fun and outgoing, but now just sit at home and don’t mix around anymore…? How many couples do you know aren’t even together anymore?

We have to realize that change is not restricted to your professional life… if you don’t manage change properly at work, then at most is you take a few steps back in your career… nothing that you can’t get back… if you don’t manage change in your personal life, well… bonds relationships are harder to replace…

I really need to go to the gym...

Thats mean you understand! Congrates!

I would consider myself lucky. I was born into a family that speaks English at home. I was then brought up in Canada… so I would say that my spoken and written English can be considered ‘excellent’… Please don’t think that I’m vain… I’m just repeating what others said. I wouldn’t say my English is perfect… in fact, I don’t know a single grammar rule! Everything just ‘sounds right’…

Just now, I was helping my son with his homework (my son’s only in kindergarten, but he seems to have a truckload of homework every day), when he suddenly used the phrase “thats mean”… I almost blew a gasket…

For those who don’t know why I was so upset, the proper phrase should be “that means”… but it seems that half of the country gets it wrong… it’s embedded in Malaysian culture… culture is something that is the hardest to change… and I would say your culture will depend on where you’ve spent the most of your ‘learning years’… mine is a mixture of both Canadian and Malaysian culture (making me weirder than most…)

I’ve tried to make sure that my son doesn’t pick up these ‘unsavory’ aspects of Malaysian culture… I’ve always spoken to him in proper English… he only watches shows on Disney Channel, etc… My family speaks to him in proper English… you would think he would be well versed by now…

Unfortunately, I can’t keep him in a bubble his whole life… he has to go to school and be exposed to naughty kids, germs and viruses and of course, bad grammar...

I’m starting to feel that I send him out into the world to learn new things and gain new experiences, but at the same time, I wait for him to come home so I can undo the negative aspects… be it the flu virus, or the occasional bad grammar.

I know I can’t protect him forever… I just hope that I can provide him with enough of a foundation for him to take care of himself in the future…

On a lighter note, my son has been sitting beside me while I write this post… he asked what I was doing, so I told him that I was writing about him in my blog… took me a while to explain what a blog was… his conclusion – “I’m going to be in a novel?”

Soon, son...

My Blood Go Upstairs

I have very distinct physical signs when I’m stressed. One, my insomnia gets even worse… and two, my face breaks out like a young boy who just entered puberty.

I have been sleeping relatively well… any lack of sleep nowadays is really due to the fact that I’ve been very busy… What can I say, I’m popular… (I was going to say something corny like “everybody wants a piece of the Syam-ster”... but I have my standards when writing…)

My face however is a different story… ok, the condition isn’t that bad… it’s just the one zit… but it’s still annoying…

See, here’s the problem… I’m breaking out because I’m stressed… I know that because I’m definitely antsy… But I don’t know why I’m stressed! I’ve been trying to figure it out for the past week. I haven’t been writing for the past week because my mind’s occupied with trying to figure out why I’m stressed. Does this make sense to you?

Let’s go over what may be stressing me out…

First of all, I’m back in KL, and I don’t think I’ve been happier in the past 2 years… things are definitely different from the way I left it, but definitely different in a good way…

Second, I examined my work life… I’ve been getting more responsibilities at work, but I look at that as compliment from my boss. I’ve always felt that when your boss gives you more work and responsibilities, it’s his/her way of saying that ‘your work is excellent and you are trustworthy, so I entrust this new responsibility on you’. So, I would say that my career is on great path…

Personal life… well, who are we kidding… who wouldn’t love me? I do feel like I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me… I don’t feel anybody is hurting me in any way… I may get a bit stressed trying to slot everybody in… as they say, ‘everybody wants a piece of the Syam-ster’… (yeah, there’s no real quality to this writing)…

So what’s bugging me? My friends have suggested that I’m getting stressed out because I have no idea what’s stressing me out. With my slight OCD, that is just possible…

Relieving stress is not something I’m really good at. I’m the type that keeps things bottled up (though this time, I have no idea what’s in the bottle). I get all sorts of advice from people on how to relieve the pressure… they range from the obvious “turn to God”, to the absolutely insane “drop everything and move to a different country”… to tell you the truth, the latter seems to be a very interesting idea… but I’ll just get stressed with the planning…

Maybe I should just look at the great things happening in my life nowadays… I should be thankful for all that has gone right for me… those things would definitely dwarf all those things that are stressing me out, even the imaginary ones.

As Tennyson Would Say...

I have this friend… (a lot of my blog posts have that line!). I’ve known him for about six years now… he got married about a year ago… the thing about him is that his marriage almost never happened. You see, he and his wife are neither of the same race nor religion.

OMG! Am I about to break my rule about never talking about two sensitive things which are politics and religion?

Well, not really… let me explain.

No matter how we think our society has advanced, a lot of people have a problem with multiracial relationships. The reason is quite simple… we are afraid of what we don’t understand. It’s human nature. It’s easier to assume those that are different from us will make things ‘complicated’…

You may say that you have ‘evolved’ and become a tolerant person in terms of other cultures, but I can bet that you have second thoughts when somebody offers you food that you’ve never seen before (and looks really weird). Admit it, how many of you say “ewwww” when you see somebody eating a bug or something on a documentary?

Now back to my friend… both their families did not agree with their relationship. He told me once that they actually ‘took a step back’ in the relationship, thinking it will never work out.

I’ve been in a multiracial relationship before, so I pretty much understand where he’s coming from. There are objections from the families (though mine didn’t really care, because I’m one of those people who can’t be told to do anything… “just let him be”…), objections from friends, and of course, society at large.

Thank goodness, my friend and his wife stuck to it, and now they are happily married (that’s an oxymoron, if I’ve ever heard one).

To tell you the truth, what I wanted to talk about wasn’t racial tolerance… what I wanted to talk about was why people would get into a relationship, knowing that they will immediately face hardship? In my friend’s case, he knew society would not fully accept it… taking things all the way would be an uphill climb… it was the same with me, but I still ‘took the bull by the horns’, so to speak.

I’m not only talking about this type of relationships… what about those who get into a long distance relationship? I know a few people whose spouses are an 18 hour flight away! And they got married, knowing that would be the case.

I’ve also heard of people who get into a relationship with, and even marry somebody who is terminally ill… now that’s an extreme example of ‘love conquers all’…

That was one hell of an introduction… it’s as long as my normal posts…

Anyway, the whole theme of this post is that sometimes we knowingly walk into a relationship knowing that the odds are stacked against us. Logically, we should walk away… what is the point of going through so much ‘hardship’ if the odds of you succeeding are so low?

Tennyson did say “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Now are we really sure of that? Has he never been through the heartache of laying everything on the line and losing it all?

Well, probably he did and came to this conclusion after fully getting over the loss…

Somehow or rather, I believe that… I believe that love is something worth the risk… you know that you would end up getting burned… after all, there is no such thing as happily ever after… I’m pretty sure Snow White sometimes wishes that she had hooked up with one of the dwarves instead of Prince Charming… so a bit of bad with a lot of good is worth it, right?

Someone once told me that if you really care about someone, you don’t want them to feel hurt in any way… so if taking a risk would lead to that, then it is better not to start anything… better to keep your feelings and emotions bottled inside…

I sort of agree with that… but the problem is the fact that you’re denying not only yourself, but the person you care for, the opportunity to experience love. It’s not to say that it will be the last chance for both of you to experience love… but each opportunity is unique and shouldn’t be passed up.

So what is the conclusion here? Well, I believe we all know that I’m a risk taker… jump first and figure things out later… so you know which way I’m leaning towards…

But it’s all about you… do you believe you can handle the trials and tribulations? If you can, put on some fire-proof underwear and let the good times (and bad times) roll…

How many of you understood the ‘fire-proof underwear’ thing?

Perseverance

“Our greatest strength is not the ability to keep ourselves from falling, but the ability to rise every time we fall.”

I had a framed poster of that saying in my room when I was doing my degree… so don’t think I can actually come up with such a meaningful quote… my quotes, or as I would like to call them, ‘Syamosophy’, don’t make much sense. I’ll look them up and post it up on the blog… can’t remember them now… (I guess it never caught on until the author doesn’t remember it…)

What was I talking about? Sorry, short attention span…

Oh yes, perseverance… we, as members of the human race have the ability to endure extreme hardship and rise above it. Of course, I can rattle off a few examples from history, but you guys won’t really be able to relate to it… I would give my own personal ‘rebirth of the phoenix’ moment, but I don’t really consider myself as someone who’s really gone through a lot of hardship… what can I say, I’ve had a pampered life…

So I’ll give the most obvious example at this moment, which would be the earthquakes and tsunami in Japan. It’s got to be one of the worst natural disasters in the last few years… the last time it was this bad was probably during the last tsunami.

You would expect the people there to be totally down… give up… considering that a lot of them have lost everything.

I’ve got a few friends and colleagues there. Thank goodness they are all ok. They are not only ok, but in fact, they seem a bit cheerful! One friend was happily updating her facebook status, telling everybody not to worry about her. She even updates us on the rolling blackouts without actually complaining about it.

It takes a lot to remain positive even though you are at probably the lowest point of your life. Remaining positive is one thing, but to pull yourself out of that lowest point takes more than most people are willing to do.

I would like to be considered one of those people that persevere, but I’ve yet to hit rock bottom (and I don’t want to wish it upon myself either). Having a good life means you’ll never really know how you’ll react to a really bad situation. But I do hope that if things do get bad, then I’ll have the ability to be like my friend in Japan, and rebuild everything that I’ve lost…

Our greatest strength is not the ability to keep ourselves from falling, but the ability to make sure nobody saw us fall… it’s just embarrassing – Syamosophy

See, told you my quotes aren’t meaningful…

Dreams

If you haven't figured it out yet, one of my dreams is to be a published author. I would love to see my name on the cover of a book in a bookstore... had nothing to do with being rich, but more of being able to leave my mark on the world by doing something that I love.

It all started when I was around 13 years old, back when I was still living in Toronto. I had always done well in English class, especially when it came to creative writing. I did fine with literature (Shakespeare, poetry, etc), but what I really loved to do was write.

Then one day, the school came up with this special program with a publishing company and one of their authors (I can't remember her name, but we did study her novel in class). It was a writing workshop with the author. During that time, we would all write a short story, it would be compiled, go through editing and then published... I was lucky enough to be selected to participate (who are we kidding, I was good!! That's why I got in!! :P).

So, a bunch of participated in the workshop and submitted our work. Now here's the problem... I never followed up on what the book (compilation of short stories) was called or when it would be published... So technically, I am already a published author... but I don't know what the book is called, or whether it is still on sale. It probably had a very small initial run and now sits in a handful of libraries in Canada.

So much for making my mark, eh?

Ever since then, I've always dreamt on being published (this time I would like to know the title of the book!). I've never really done anything about it. I've written short stories between then and now (on my own, not for school), but never really done anything which would be considered a step forward in realizing my dream.

Until about a year ago, of course, when I started this blog... the blog's secondary purpose was to get my creative juices flowing again... need lots of juice to write a whole book! And now, I've finally bought a laptop, which main purpose is for me to write.

Do you know how much I've written for my book? Nothing.

If you get stuck in the middle of the story, it's called a writer's block. If you get stuck before you even get started, well... you can't even call yourself an author, can you?

As far as making my dreams come true, I truly suck!

There are two types of people in this world... those who work hard to achieve their dreams, and those who only dream... I've been the latter for around almost two decades!!

I've got a friend that gave up his high paying job with an ad agency so he could start his own firm... he gathered his savings, borrowed some money and acted on his dreams... he's almost a 'minor success' now, though the last few years were tough on him... but he keeps on chugging along...

I've got another friend who has a full time job and works very hard at it... she tries to earn as much bonus/incentive at her job... and she's been beefing up her finances so she can one day afford to do what she's always dreamt of... opening a cafe...

I have highly motivated and focused friends, but instead of joining them, what do I do? I complain about writer's block (or more accurately, just 'block') on my blog...

I guess it's time to stop the excuses, and begin with...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

Wait a minute... that sounds familiar...

A Parent's Love

My parents just came back from their Umrah on Friday. For those who have no idea what Umrah is, well it’s like a mini-pilgrimage… not as big as going for the Hajj, but still requires you to be in Mekah. I don’t claim to be an expert on this topic, so you’ll have to do some googling if you want to learn more. (Notice how ‘to google’ is now a verb?)

Anyway, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me about her experiences there… she said that she would be ok when saying a little prayer for everybody else, but when she got to me, she would immediately start crying…

My sisters obviously could resist the opportunity with one saying “that’s because he’s got a lot of sins!” and another followed up with “it’s a good thing you only cried instead of getting lightning and thunder!”… heck, even I couldn’t resist and took a shot at myself with “no earthquakes when you said the prayer?”

What’s my point here? Oh yeah… A parent’s love is something which is unwavering even if you’ve been an awful child your whole life… (hold on there… don’t make any crazy conclusions… I wasn’t an awful child my WHOLE life… it’s just a short… errr… phase….)

I feel like I have to explain the whole situation about how I came to be in this world… you see, my parents had two girls before they had me… of course they loved my sisters, but what they really wanted was a boy to ‘complete the collection’… that, and of course a son carries the family line, blah blah blah… all the traditional views on why having a son.

After 12 years, they finally get me… their newest bundle of joy… their hope for carrying on the family line… the future ‘man of the house’… and for obvious reasons, I seem to get special treatment… I wouldn’t really say I’m the favourite (though my sisters all say that). But I’ve got a lot of clout with my parents.

Now, as I’ve said earlier, I haven’t really been a great son. I’ve always been the most ‘wild’ one, though one of my sisters does give me a run for my money (I won’t say which sister since all of them, and their children, read this blog. You know who you are!)

But being ‘naughty’ isn’t really the worse part… it’s the ‘not spending time with my parents’ part. I am the worse at calling my parents to see how they are doing. They are both a quick drive away, but I just don’t see them often enough. This started a long time ago when I went off to university… I just wouldn’t call home and wouldn’t go home often (unless it’s to do my laundry). It got to a point where my dad bought me a car so I can stay at home and drive to class every day (you see, that’s where I get the weird way of ‘punishing’ my son… “Son, you’ve been bad, so here’s a gift! Now behave!”). The ‘habit’ has continued until now…

I can’t come up with an excuse for my behavior… even a bad one. There’s no logical reason for treating my parents the way I do… except the fact that I’m an ass…

So here’s my ‘First Quarter Resolution’… I’m going to spend more time with my parents… I’m going to take time off in a day and give them a phone call… after all, they gave 12 years of their lives praying to get me, and almost 32 years after that praying that I would be a success in my life even when I've been such an ass… what’s a couple of minutes from my so-called busy life to ask them how they are doing.

I know that karma is a bitch and there will probably be a time in my son’s life when he’s going to stop running up to me, hug and kiss me and start to ignore me… he’ll go through the whole ‘not calling’ and ‘not coming home’ phase… and at that time I’ll realize how bad I was to my parents… but I don’t want to reach that stage before I have regrets and do something about it… I already have regrets now, and I want to try to make up for it, while there’s still time (those who have lost their parents know what I’m talking about).

On a lighter note, I do have a younger sister who was born slightly less than 2 years after me. I have a theory that she was unplanned (I’ll avoid using the word ‘mistake’), but nobody would agree with me… do you?

Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

There are some friendships that lasts the test of time. I’ve got friends who I’ve known and hung out with for 14 and even 16 years… and I moved around a lot when I was younger, so that’s quite an accomplishment.

A test of this type of friendship is distance. You lose contact easily if you can’t meet up for a coffee once a week. If the separation is temporary, then it’s easier to reconnect.

I had to go through that when I was staying in Penang for 19 months… friends did call, text, email, IM, etc whenever they had an event they wanted me to attend such as birthday parties, weddings, etc… I did move my travelling schedule around in order to accommodate as many of these events as possible, but I did miss out on a lot.

Of course technology helps us keep in touch… social networks like Facebook lets you keep abreast of all the happenings back home… but seriously, how much bonding could you do from helping out on your friend’s farm? (for those who don’t understand that last part, I’m talking about Farmville… check it out, you’ll be hooked and you’ll hate me for it!)

Fortunately for me, when I came back, it seems that I can pick up where I left off… I guess the friendships I formed here in KL could survive the distance…

It’s now a test for the friendships I’ve formed during my time in Penang. These were close friends that kept me sane during my time alone there, away from home. So far, I feel like those friendships are holding their own… whenever I call my friends there, it seems that we continue talking like nothing has happened and the distance is not there…

However, I have to admit that the friendships there are going to be tested with the fact that it’s going to be a very long time before we hang out together again. I don’t see myself going to Penang in the near future (or even the far future… is that even a proper term?). They all have their lives in Penang and I have mine in KL…

So now you have to accept the new dynamics of the friendship. You have to understand that there will be a big gap, but you will still stay connected. Things obviously won’t be the same… no more hanging out together after work or on weekends… no more going to lunch together and complaining how you’ve run out of places to go to for lunch… no more 4pm cigarette breaks (the management of “Yet Another Decade” would like to state that we do not condone smoking… it does not make you look cool… does not help you make friends and fit in… and does not do whatever great things the ads claim they do…)

Accepting the hard facts would be tough at first… I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t sad to leave my friends in Penang, knowing things were going to change… that last night I was there was a somber occasion as we hung out for the last time… and how often do you see a bunch of guys who formed a band and play rock songs, hug each other and promise to keep in touch and make an effort to visit each other? (Why do I have a feeling my band is going to disown me?)

Missing your faraway friends is not always a bad thing… yes, you’ll get depressed and start reminiscing about the ‘good ole times’… but it shows that the friendship is still alive, and when the opportunity arises and you meet up again, you’ll be able to pick up where you left off…

PS : I would like to wish my good friend Keiko Goto the best of luck in her future endeavors back in Japan. You’ve been a great colleague and a great friend and I’m sure I speak for all of us here when I say that we will definitely miss you.

Settling

Imagine this… you walk into a store to buy a tv. You like brand A because it has features 1, 2 and 3… however it lacks features 4 and 5 which is available in brand B. Of course, there is no way to put both tv’s into a blender to get the perfect product… so you buy brand A because it meets most of your requirements… you convince yourself that you can live without feature 4 and 5… but how long can you live like that?

Okay, so features of a tv aren’t something that you would lose sleep over (unless you’re like me, with a slight case of OCD… if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read may past post called ‘Quirks’)… but the concept can be applied to your most important decisions, such as committing to a relationship, changing jobs, buying property, and so on…

I have this friend (my friends are interesting, aren’t they?)… she will be getting married this year. It will be her second marriage. I noticed that she wasn’t really excited about the wedding… in fact, she hasn’t made any preparations even though the wedding will be in less than a year… no dress fittings, no picking out of invitation cards… Just a firm date.

So I asked her why… according to her, it doesn’t really matter to her… plus she isn’t in love with the guy like she was with her first husband…

Now that threw me off… how could you marry somebody that you don’t really fully love? So, I pressed her for an explanation (I press people for explanations now? I’m starting to sound like a documentary).

She says that the guy meets ‘most’ of her criterion… he’s kind, he treats her well, he loves her like crazy, he’s good looking, blah blah blah… only thing lacking is the fact that she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her… oh yeah, and he’s not as tall as she would like him to be…

You would think that ‘lack of love’ would be a deal breaker for almost everybody, but not for my friend… she is willing to settle for this guy instead of waiting for a guy that she ‘really really loves’ but would then break her heart (her first husband comes to mind).

The general populace might not agree with the whole concept of ‘settling’ but we all do it in some shape or form… how many times have I heard my friends complain about their job, but never take an initiative to find a new one because the current one has great pay and benefits… and what about those who stay in really stressful relationships because they really love the person and that’s enough for them.

We do compromise on our demands because it’s almost never possible to get exactly what you want. How much you want to compromise though is the key… how much would it take for you not to lose sleep at night?

For me, I couldn’t do what my friend is doing… I’m not sure whether I’m not strong enough or I’m just too overly optimistic about having a fairy tale life. But whatever it is, I do wish my friend the best of luck and love in her upcoming marriage… you never know, fairy tales do come true…

So which tv should I buy?

Hantu

My security guard stopped my car to tell me that he saw a ghost in my house at 2am a few nights ago. Description of the ghost "Pakai baju putih, rambut panjang, lawaaa....abang berkenan, kalau ada bomoh, abang nak suruh tangkap, abang nak buat kawan, tapi hantu tu cepat terus hilang".

Few nights ago, i did have a bit too much coffee and was washing my mug when a guard walked past my window. Immediately ducked because my baju was a bit too revealing :p

Now should i be flattered that he said 'hantu tu lawaa', or very insulted that he likened me to a ghost? LOL! Guess i'm in urgent need of a makeover :D

Dad

I wrote this in January 2007...

Lost my dad at a very early age. I was 24.
No fair, I thought.
Left with my mum and a brother who was only 12. The world turned dark. Who’s going to take care of us? Mum’s not independent, she depends on me. Who do I turn to?
Will my brother remember my dad?
When other people who are a lot older than me were still fooling around without a care in the world, I had to sort out things with the lawyer, banks, house and car mortgages, land office, inheritance arrangements etc. I mean, not many 24 year olds you know have to deal with all that. I wasn’t even working yet. Who’s going to tell me if I was wrong, to seek advice from or to just help me understand. No man in the family.
It would be fair, at least, if I was working, or married, or have an elder brother. But no, it was just me.
No fair.
Someone complained of having to deal with her dad not being understanding of her relationship with her boyfriend that she wants to marry. My dad won’t be around when I get married.
Or see my children.
No fair.
My friend’s dad still has his mother with him. My 50 year old uncles and aunties still have both my grandparents and complain about giving grandpa a bath.
I had to pour rose water over dad’s grave.
No fair.
A friend complained about having to pick up her dad from the workshop. I had to go pick up dad’s tombstone.
Heart broken. Soul, spirit, confidence, belief, strength, faith, life, all broken.
No fair.
But,
When you lose that someone that you have depended on for so long, it automatically entails growing up. Mum, through her tears and fears, said life has to go on. True.
Somebody else said, “kita semua dipinjamkan saja ke dunia ni, sampai masa kembali ke asalnya”.
God entrusted to us the people we love to care and appreciate, and to learn from.
Now that I’ve learned to make peace with it, I’ve realized that it is fair.
He gave me 24 years to be with dad.
He was there when I was born, when I learned how to spell, and drew my first picture on the kitchen table, on my first day of school, when I got my first tooth extracted, when I fell down and hurt my knee, take me to the library every week, attend my prize giving ceremony and my graduation, bought me my first car.
Someone else probably didn’t even know their dad.
It is fair.
Dad was very strict and very much feared especially when it comes to my studies, he would throw my report card on the floor when my grades were bad. He forced me to learn the equation with a long wooden ruler until I got all of it right. I cried and was extremely mad at him for being so garang. He made me read the New Straits Times, National Geographics, the Britannica Encyclopedia, Inside the Human Body and even Newsweek in Primary School. No Malay comic magazines like what my other friends in school read. He didn’t even like it when I spend time drawing. His way might be the very rigid and regimented ‘old-school style’. Would definitely incur obvious displeasure and smirks from people of this generation. Nevertheless, if I could turn back time, I wouln’t have it any other way.
His way made me a stronger person.
It is fair.
I got to be with dad during his final moments. I was at his bedside. Someone else probably didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I got to tell him how much I love him. I got to thank him for all he’s done for me, mum and brother. We all got to tell him that.
It is fair.
Even when he was sick, I got the chance to take care of him. Stopped school, fed him food, tried to understand what he was saying, word by word, clipped his nails, shaved his beard, helped him shower, drive him places, accompanied him to the hospital, helped with physiotherapy and speech therapy etc. All these brought me and dad closer than ever before. We learned to love each other more.
Sometimes I want to call dad, but I know that he won’t be there. I want to look into his eyes, and see him looking back. I know that I’ll never get to do that, but at least I remember how his eyes looked like.
I think of dad more now, I have forgiven his mistakes, appreciate him more.
I had a dad. I still have him with me. In my heart.
It is fair.