Darling, you're killing the romance...

I was listening to the radio yesterday on my way to work.  It was the 29th of February, so the topic of the morning show was obviously the leap year.  They mentioned that the 29th of February is also known as 'Bachelor's Day'.  I didn't bother to verify this fact since I believe everything I hear on radio...

Anyway, on Bachelor's Day, women are allowed to propose to their boyfriend.  If they reject the proposal, they have to compensate the girl.  So, the guys on the show (by the way, this was Pagi Rock Crew on FlyFm) asked the only girl of the trio, Nadia, how she would actually propose to a guy... see how romantic she could be.  Nadia's answer was that she would just ask him 'so you want to marry me, or not' (or something like that... let's just assume that I'm just going to paraphrase from now on).

Her rationale was that guys aren't romantic... so why bother being romantic when proposing to them.  Of course after that, there were a few women who called in to say the same thing... either all men are not romantic, or only bitter and disappointed women like to call in to the morning show.

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

For argument's sake, let's assume that women in general feel that the majority of men out there are incredibly un-romantic (is that even a word?).  Let's also assume that most men believe the same thing... it's what their partners have been telling them all this while, so it's got to be true.

So let's look at what being romantic is... textbook definition is 'inclined toward or suggestive of the feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love'.  What the heck does that mean!?

It means you do something that makes the person feel loved, lah... simple, right?  No.

You see, different people have different ideas on what makes them feel loved... let's take a look at this hypothetical conversation between a loving couple:

Girl : Sugar-Pie-Honey-Bunch... I WUUUVVVVV You!!!

Boy : Err... I love you too...

Girl : You're not saying it right...  I WUUUVVVVV You!!!

Boy : I love you too...

Girl : WUV WUV WUV!!!!!!!!

Boy : Are you okay?  By the way, I've had a look at your tax returns and made some adjustments... you'll be getting a much higher amount back from the government.

Girl : You're not romantic!!!!!! I hate you!!!!!

Boy : I'm in trouble, aren't I?

What went wrong?  The problem we have here is a failure to understand each other's needs and concept of romance.  In this (totally made up... not all women are like that... don't hate me) example, the girl wanted to be all mushy when it comes to expressing her love... that is what she's expecting in return.  The guy on the other hand wanted to express his love for her by doing her tax return for her and making her some extra cash.  They both love each other, but are not on the same page.

Lets go back to the definition of romance... the layman one that I gave... to be 'romantic', you have to make the other person feel loved by your actions.  There are no hard rules pertaining to what actions work... you have to get to know your partner and learn how to pull on their heart strings...

A couple of days ago, a friend posted on Facebook that he just booked a vacation to a place that he's gone to several times and he finds boring.  The only reason he's going there is because his wife loves the place.  Minus the fact that he told everybody this on a social network, he was being very romantic.  He was willing to make the sacrifice so that his wife will be happy.  That's romance...

I know of women who cook the same boring set of dishes every day even though they cannot swallow another bite of it... the reason is the husband loves those dishes... again, true romance.

Romance isn't defined by the products that are provided by the gift and flower industries... it's defined by how well you know your partner, and how far you're willing to go to make that person feel and know how much love you have for them.

Now let's try that conversation again:

Girl : I got you a bouquet... of tickets to Old Trafford (or Anfield, or whatever....)

Boy : Oh my darling sweetheart... my reason for living... Thank you soooooooo much!!! I WUUUVVVVV You soooooooooooo much!!! muah muah muah muah.... and one more for good luck... mmmmmmuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Girl : I love you too... now let's work on our tax returns together...

I Am What I Am

Ideally, in love, you should accept the person for what he/she is… what makes love different than any other type of relationship is that it’s unconditional.

Take for an example the professional relationship you have with your boss. It’s based on your ability to provide a certain amount of work based on the amount of salary you get. If you don’t perform, you don’t say to your boss “but that’s the way I am, and you have to accept these shortcomings”… that would just get you one step closer to being fired…

From an initial observation, it would certainly seem that love is the best type of relationship… you don’t have to change… correct?

If that’s what you think, then you must be delusional…

Have you never heard of all those sappy love songs that go on and on about being a better person because they are in love? (an example of which is All 4 One’s “Better Man”). They all tell you that because you’re in love, you want to be a better person… because your loved one deserves an even better person than you already are.

But wait a minute… I thought that if you’re in love, then the other person will accept you for who you are, no matter how awful of a person you are… I bet Hitler’s wife loved him even though he did many bad things… So what’s the deal here? Are you supposed to change even though you don’t have to?

Here’s my two-cents worth (it may be worth less than that because I don’t seem to make any money off this blog)… just because you don’t have to change, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to be a better person… if being a better person will make your loved one happier, than why not do it?

Of course, whether you succeed in being a better person or not is secondary… the fact that you try makes all the difference… if you end up a failure when it comes to changing, then your loved one will accept you for who you are… but if you don’t care what your loved one thinks about you, and you don’t try… well, then it just makes you a total loser… a person who doesn’t even try…

Let me give you an example… (since I’m also quite confused with what I’ve written…)

Let’s say you have only passed secondary school… you work as a clerk, earning very little… you meet the girl of your dreams and you want to start a family… so you start thinking about how you will be able to support this family… you can:

a) a) Do absolutely nothing about it, and just tell your wife to be that the both of you are going to have a tougher than average life, but you both love each other no matter what

b) b) Go take night classes and earn your degree, get a better paying job and make your life together a bit easier…

c) c) Go take night classes, fail and still be in the same situation as before… so you tell your wife to be that the both of you are going to have a tougher than average life, but you both love each other no matter what

Now, I’m sure your loved one will love you regardless of which option happens… but option a) will surely piss them off… option c) would mean that you are stuck, but at least the person tried their best… and then it makes sense for them to love you, even though you are a failure… because that’s who you are…

It all comes down to whether you put in an effort or not... after all, love, like everything else in life, is something you work at...

So are you a failure or a loser?

As Tennyson Would Say...

I have this friend… (a lot of my blog posts have that line!). I’ve known him for about six years now… he got married about a year ago… the thing about him is that his marriage almost never happened. You see, he and his wife are neither of the same race nor religion.

OMG! Am I about to break my rule about never talking about two sensitive things which are politics and religion?

Well, not really… let me explain.

No matter how we think our society has advanced, a lot of people have a problem with multiracial relationships. The reason is quite simple… we are afraid of what we don’t understand. It’s human nature. It’s easier to assume those that are different from us will make things ‘complicated’…

You may say that you have ‘evolved’ and become a tolerant person in terms of other cultures, but I can bet that you have second thoughts when somebody offers you food that you’ve never seen before (and looks really weird). Admit it, how many of you say “ewwww” when you see somebody eating a bug or something on a documentary?

Now back to my friend… both their families did not agree with their relationship. He told me once that they actually ‘took a step back’ in the relationship, thinking it will never work out.

I’ve been in a multiracial relationship before, so I pretty much understand where he’s coming from. There are objections from the families (though mine didn’t really care, because I’m one of those people who can’t be told to do anything… “just let him be”…), objections from friends, and of course, society at large.

Thank goodness, my friend and his wife stuck to it, and now they are happily married (that’s an oxymoron, if I’ve ever heard one).

To tell you the truth, what I wanted to talk about wasn’t racial tolerance… what I wanted to talk about was why people would get into a relationship, knowing that they will immediately face hardship? In my friend’s case, he knew society would not fully accept it… taking things all the way would be an uphill climb… it was the same with me, but I still ‘took the bull by the horns’, so to speak.

I’m not only talking about this type of relationships… what about those who get into a long distance relationship? I know a few people whose spouses are an 18 hour flight away! And they got married, knowing that would be the case.

I’ve also heard of people who get into a relationship with, and even marry somebody who is terminally ill… now that’s an extreme example of ‘love conquers all’…

That was one hell of an introduction… it’s as long as my normal posts…

Anyway, the whole theme of this post is that sometimes we knowingly walk into a relationship knowing that the odds are stacked against us. Logically, we should walk away… what is the point of going through so much ‘hardship’ if the odds of you succeeding are so low?

Tennyson did say “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Now are we really sure of that? Has he never been through the heartache of laying everything on the line and losing it all?

Well, probably he did and came to this conclusion after fully getting over the loss…

Somehow or rather, I believe that… I believe that love is something worth the risk… you know that you would end up getting burned… after all, there is no such thing as happily ever after… I’m pretty sure Snow White sometimes wishes that she had hooked up with one of the dwarves instead of Prince Charming… so a bit of bad with a lot of good is worth it, right?

Someone once told me that if you really care about someone, you don’t want them to feel hurt in any way… so if taking a risk would lead to that, then it is better not to start anything… better to keep your feelings and emotions bottled inside…

I sort of agree with that… but the problem is the fact that you’re denying not only yourself, but the person you care for, the opportunity to experience love. It’s not to say that it will be the last chance for both of you to experience love… but each opportunity is unique and shouldn’t be passed up.

So what is the conclusion here? Well, I believe we all know that I’m a risk taker… jump first and figure things out later… so you know which way I’m leaning towards…

But it’s all about you… do you believe you can handle the trials and tribulations? If you can, put on some fire-proof underwear and let the good times (and bad times) roll…

How many of you understood the ‘fire-proof underwear’ thing?

Settling

Imagine this… you walk into a store to buy a tv. You like brand A because it has features 1, 2 and 3… however it lacks features 4 and 5 which is available in brand B. Of course, there is no way to put both tv’s into a blender to get the perfect product… so you buy brand A because it meets most of your requirements… you convince yourself that you can live without feature 4 and 5… but how long can you live like that?

Okay, so features of a tv aren’t something that you would lose sleep over (unless you’re like me, with a slight case of OCD… if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read may past post called ‘Quirks’)… but the concept can be applied to your most important decisions, such as committing to a relationship, changing jobs, buying property, and so on…

I have this friend (my friends are interesting, aren’t they?)… she will be getting married this year. It will be her second marriage. I noticed that she wasn’t really excited about the wedding… in fact, she hasn’t made any preparations even though the wedding will be in less than a year… no dress fittings, no picking out of invitation cards… Just a firm date.

So I asked her why… according to her, it doesn’t really matter to her… plus she isn’t in love with the guy like she was with her first husband…

Now that threw me off… how could you marry somebody that you don’t really fully love? So, I pressed her for an explanation (I press people for explanations now? I’m starting to sound like a documentary).

She says that the guy meets ‘most’ of her criterion… he’s kind, he treats her well, he loves her like crazy, he’s good looking, blah blah blah… only thing lacking is the fact that she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her… oh yeah, and he’s not as tall as she would like him to be…

You would think that ‘lack of love’ would be a deal breaker for almost everybody, but not for my friend… she is willing to settle for this guy instead of waiting for a guy that she ‘really really loves’ but would then break her heart (her first husband comes to mind).

The general populace might not agree with the whole concept of ‘settling’ but we all do it in some shape or form… how many times have I heard my friends complain about their job, but never take an initiative to find a new one because the current one has great pay and benefits… and what about those who stay in really stressful relationships because they really love the person and that’s enough for them.

We do compromise on our demands because it’s almost never possible to get exactly what you want. How much you want to compromise though is the key… how much would it take for you not to lose sleep at night?

For me, I couldn’t do what my friend is doing… I’m not sure whether I’m not strong enough or I’m just too overly optimistic about having a fairy tale life. But whatever it is, I do wish my friend the best of luck and love in her upcoming marriage… you never know, fairy tales do come true…

So which tv should I buy?

Trust Issues

Do you remember your first relationship? The initial stage was the best. You were innocent then. You had never been hurt, lied to, cheated on, disappointed by or any other bad thing that happens in relationships. You trust the person, no matter what they said or did. You basically didn't have trust issues...

But relationships don't always have a fairy tale ending... in fact, I've never heard of a perfect relationship.

So things start to happen to you... it may be small things like your partner is always late... or big things like your partner turns out to be an illegal alien trying to get citizenship.

Whatever the problems you face in your relationship, you carry it with you. Your partner may be late once, but later on, you expect them to be late. And when they are occasionally late, you go all nuts, telling them how they are always late...

If you think this is bad, then you're gonna cringe when you read what's next... you bring this problem with you to your next relationship... you expect your new partner to be late all the time?

Sounds too far fetched?

Look at your current relationship... do you trust your partner 100%? If you were to see your partner walking down the street with somebody else, would you wonder who that person was? Would your mind be at ease while you wait for your partner to explain? Would you believe their explanation?

I would like to think that I am an understanding person... that I am full of trust when it comes to people, always giving them the benefit of the doubt. Of course, deep down I know that I'm nothing like that. I worry. I jump to conclusions. I lose sleep. And that's just over the simple things such as being late... we haven't even touched the more serious things...

No statement would be complete without an example... so I'll give you one of mine... I have a problem when my phone calls are not answered... I'm not talking about a landline, but a cellphone. People don't go anywhere without their cell these days. If you're in a meeting, you can always excuse yourself to answer the phone and say that you'll call back... or just a simple text message to say that you'll call back... there is no reason (in my head at least) for you not to answer your phone... As a friend puts it, 'if you don't answer the phone during office hours, then you better be lying in a ditch'.

I've never thought about this 'thing' of mine until today... and I've finally realized the reason behind it. Many years ago, there was an event involving unanswered cell phones... and trust was betrayed... years later, I still don't handle it well...

What!? That's it!!?? No details!!??

Well, this blog is about my life lessons... not a peek into my private life...

When we take these distrusts and insecurities with us, we are constantly punishing our partner for one mistake... it's even worse if we take it into our next relationship. Your new partner will pay for somebody else's mistake.

Love is about trust. Yes, it's tough to trust. But you'll be happier if you learn to trust...

Your partner may have a good reason for the things they do... you might not like the reason... you might not even understand it... but hey, if you can't trust your partner, then who can you trust?

Our Kids

About a week ago, we finished the fasting month and celebrated Eid (or Hari Raya in Malay).  The whole celebration is still ongoing to this day.  It’s a month of celebration after the month of fasting… it’s a good way for me to re-gain the weight I lost over the past two months.   

Since it’s a month of celebration, I should write something cheerful… I plan to, but not today… instead, I’m going to tell you guys about an experience I had during the fasting month… it’s one of those moments that change your perception on life…

During the fasting month, my client organized a trip to an orphanage.  They do this kind of things all the time during the year, but this is the first time that I found the time to join.  

The truth is this was the first time I’ve ever been to an orphanage… I didn’t know what to expect.  I was thinking we would go there, bring some stuff for the kids, give the money they collected from the staff, have dinner with them and go home…

When we got there, the kids looked extremely happy that they had visitors.  They didn’t really notice the supplies that we brought them… they were more interested in us!!  They were shy, but wanted to get as close as possible to the ‘visitors’…

We all sat on the floor while there were some short speeches from the people in charge of the orphanage as well as the organizing committee… I know for a fact that when I sat down, the kids were no where near me… a few minutes into the speeches, I looked down and saw two kids cozying up to me!  One sat to my side and one in front of me… the one in front kept on turning around and smiling every time I looked at him… you can’t help but smile back…

The whole time we were there, the kids wanted to be as close to us as possible… at first I couldn’t figure out why… then it hit me…

I shower my son with hugs and kisses whenever we are together… it’s not limited to just when we are at home… even when we are out shopping, at the movies, etc… and it’s reciprocated by my son… he hugs and kisses me all the time (well, almost all the time… he doesn’t acknowledge me when he’s in front of his friends at school!).

We take this simple act for granted… everyday we get love, affection and attention from our family… both physically and emotionally.  These kids grow up without it. 

Sure they have their caregivers… but there’s one old couple who’s taking care of 20+ orphans of all ages.  I’m pretty sure they can’t get around and give everybody a hug every day…

You go through life putting money into a donation box, never really giving the orphans a second thought… sure they need your financial support to survive physically, but they also need you love and attention to survive emotionally…

These kids don’t have parents, so we should start thinking of them as our kids… it’s not something that’s hard to achieve… make your way to an orphanage, and you’ll understand what I mean.