Cold War

This morning, I read something interesting on facebook... it was my friend's status...

Yes, in this new age, I get my inspiration for writing from facebook status messages... to tell you the truth, that's all I have time to read nowadays...

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Anyway, the status read like this (of course I'm paraphrasing, because I don't want to pay royalty) : if you and your partner were in the middle of a 'cold war', would you make the effort to patch things up, or would you wait for the other person?

I say you should wait it out and make the other person SUFFER!!

I'm just kidding... since when have I been so cruel?

There are actually a few ways at looking at this predicament...

1. If you ignore something long enough, it will go away by itself... now, I have always been a firm believer in "I don't know how, but things have a way of working itself out"... It's actually the lazy man's solution to everything.  Amazingly, in some cases, it does work out for the best.  The problem is whether you are willing to take that risk.

An example of this would be a growth on your neck which keeps on getting bigger... you can wait for it to go away by itself, but most likely, you will die.

You must be able to weigh the situation, and use this method only if the risks are negligible... there are 'problems' in a relationships for which this applies... for example, a partner who wouldn't take out the trash when you ask them to... how long could it possibly last? A day at most?  Plus, they'll learn a smelly lesson...

By the way, I've tried this method with my credit card bills... doesn't work.

2. Some things are better left unsaid... put it this way... you've agreed to disagree... of course, this is not the ideal solution to a problem, but sometimes it can't be avoided.  There is no point in trying to have the last say about the situation.

But... (of course there's a 'but'), both of you need some time sort things out internally... you need the time to evaluate the effects of the disagreement on your relationship.  This takes time, and is usually done with the usual 'silent treatment'... of course, when you both decide that it's okay if neither of you win and you should move on, then the cold war ends... no effort required.

Please note that a move to patch things up early by either party will cause dissatisfaction from the other party for breach of terms of cease fire... (is this a blog or a legal document?)

3. Buddy, you've got issues... if you're here, then most probably you guys don't talk things out... so many things are left unsaid, and the issue festers inside.  This usually happens when one person has a big issue, and the other person has no idea... who's fault... obviously the former... What? You think everybody can read your mind?

Even though it may seem easier to 'not talk about it', it's better if you just have it out.  If you are ready to 'end the war', so to speak, but the other person is not and you have no idea why, force it out of him/her.  You might not like what you hear after that, but it's something that you have to listen to and deal with.

I have seen many situations where problems are swept under the rug in the relationship.  One day, a tiny issue comes out and it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.  You'll feel like an idiot if your answer to 'Why did you guys break up?' is 'There were some issues but we finally broke up because she coughed while I was reading the newspaper.'

4. I need some lovin'... let's face it.  All of us need attention.  Some more than others.  Starting a cold war is just a means to an end.  You've got to learn to differentiate which ones are serious and which ones are just downright silly.

If your partner is being an ass and not talking to you for no good reason, then be the bigger person and give 'em some lovin'... candy, flowers, a night out, a lap dance... whatever tickles your fancy.  Careful though... if it turns out to be no. 2 or no. 3, then you might just incur the wrath of your partner.  So be absolutely sure of the situation before putting on that thong and strutting your stuff...


All things said and done, I strongly believe that the whole cold war/silent treatment thing is just a waste of valuable relationship time.  Your time on earth is very short, and the time you have with a loved one is even shorter.  Make every second count, for you'll never know when you might lose it all.

As the saying goes... "make love, not war"...

Settling

Imagine this… you walk into a store to buy a tv. You like brand A because it has features 1, 2 and 3… however it lacks features 4 and 5 which is available in brand B. Of course, there is no way to put both tv’s into a blender to get the perfect product… so you buy brand A because it meets most of your requirements… you convince yourself that you can live without feature 4 and 5… but how long can you live like that?

Okay, so features of a tv aren’t something that you would lose sleep over (unless you’re like me, with a slight case of OCD… if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read may past post called ‘Quirks’)… but the concept can be applied to your most important decisions, such as committing to a relationship, changing jobs, buying property, and so on…

I have this friend (my friends are interesting, aren’t they?)… she will be getting married this year. It will be her second marriage. I noticed that she wasn’t really excited about the wedding… in fact, she hasn’t made any preparations even though the wedding will be in less than a year… no dress fittings, no picking out of invitation cards… Just a firm date.

So I asked her why… according to her, it doesn’t really matter to her… plus she isn’t in love with the guy like she was with her first husband…

Now that threw me off… how could you marry somebody that you don’t really fully love? So, I pressed her for an explanation (I press people for explanations now? I’m starting to sound like a documentary).

She says that the guy meets ‘most’ of her criterion… he’s kind, he treats her well, he loves her like crazy, he’s good looking, blah blah blah… only thing lacking is the fact that she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her… oh yeah, and he’s not as tall as she would like him to be…

You would think that ‘lack of love’ would be a deal breaker for almost everybody, but not for my friend… she is willing to settle for this guy instead of waiting for a guy that she ‘really really loves’ but would then break her heart (her first husband comes to mind).

The general populace might not agree with the whole concept of ‘settling’ but we all do it in some shape or form… how many times have I heard my friends complain about their job, but never take an initiative to find a new one because the current one has great pay and benefits… and what about those who stay in really stressful relationships because they really love the person and that’s enough for them.

We do compromise on our demands because it’s almost never possible to get exactly what you want. How much you want to compromise though is the key… how much would it take for you not to lose sleep at night?

For me, I couldn’t do what my friend is doing… I’m not sure whether I’m not strong enough or I’m just too overly optimistic about having a fairy tale life. But whatever it is, I do wish my friend the best of luck and love in her upcoming marriage… you never know, fairy tales do come true…

So which tv should I buy?

Investments

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago. She was complaining about how her boyfriend/future husband was sneaking around behind her back and… wait for it… playing pool with his friends! The nerve of that guy!!!

Before we continue with this story, I would like to give nicknames to the two characters… makes it easier for me to tell the story… let’s call my friend QC for “queen control” and the boyfriend PW for “pussy whipped”. Sorry, I couldn’t think of anything nicer.

Anyway, QC wanted PW to stay home every day… it’s part of his ‘training’ in becoming her husband. After all, she has to protect her ‘investment’. Everytime PW went out, QC would call him every 20 minutes, checking on her investment, of course. She then started calling his friends, just to make sure PW was actually there…

So in his frustration, PW would start lying! He would tell QC he was already tired and going to sleep... then he would go out to play pool with his friends. Amazingly, QC did not trust PW, and called him to make sure he was asleep… PW, being the loyal boyfriend that he is, would answer the phone and tell her that he was out playing pool.

This has led them to many fights… one side is worried that she is going to lose her ‘investment’… the other, well, he was just bored of being told to stay home (at his parent’s place) and do absolutely nothing.

My question to QC was ‘since when is a relationship and investment’? Yes, you put in all your time, effort, loyalty and heart into a relationship… but it’s not so you can get a certain percentage (usually 110% comes to mind) in return. You do it because you want to. You do it because giving your all makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. To love someone is a reward in itself, even if the love is not returned…

Don’t believe me? Well, have you ever had a crush on someone? Just being near that person makes your heart beat a little faster. You may be smooth with everybody else, but with that person, you’re a total mess. You think about that person night and day, smiling like an idiot. All this, and that person doesn’t even know how you feel…

When we get into a relationship however, nothing is ever enough. We start having expectations of how that person is supposed to love us back in return. Not answering your call on the first ring is already a sign of betrayal. Coming home late from work is a sin. God forbid the person ever talks to anybody else!

A relationship is not like savings bonds, where your profits in your investments are guaranteed. (By the way, is that how savings bonds are like? I’m not exactly an expert on investment instruments). It’s more like putting your money in at a casino. The risks are extremely high, with absolutely no guarantee of return. You enjoy every single moment, living life to the fullest. In the end, you might end up broke or a millionaire (though like love, most people end up losing). But then, the next time around you put your bets down and let the good times roll…

Did I just liken being in a relationship to gambling? If that’s the case, I’ll have to enroll in RA (relationships anonymous)!

Sitcom

There’s this cute couple I know… well, actually, I know only half of the couple. I’ve known the girl for about… errr… 12 years… I think… (I try not to dwell on the numbers too much… makes me feel old). But, she’s been telling me so much about this guy that I feel I know him. You guys know that feeling?

It’s like watching a sitcom on tv. After a few seasons, you feel like you know all the characters… they are like your close friends. (I constantly have to remind myself that I DON’T have friends named Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe).

So that’s what it’s like with this guy. Let’s give him a name… I love making up names…

Let’s call him CS, for “Childhood Sweetheart”. ‘Cause she’s known him since school. And of course, the girl has to have a name as well… let’s name her AG, for “Anxiety Girl”. Reason for this will be revealed later.

You see, CS and AG were ‘dating’ when they were in school. Now this was the sweet and innocent kind of relationship. They would mostly meet in class… sometimes go out for fast food… and once in a blue moon, they would hold hands… aaaawwwwwwww…

After high school, they both went separate ways, only to find each other again a few years later. But there was a catch. Both were seeing other people… plus AG had written off the relationship they had earlier as just puppy love.

So they started seeing each other as ‘friends’… now here is where things get complicated. In a sitcom, this would be a season finale. You would then have to wait until next fall before they air the new season premier…

But this is blog, and you should know the whole story in 5 minutes.

You see, CS still has ‘the hots’ for AG… he’s yet to find anybody who would come close to AG. So he tries to rekindle ‘the spark’… but he runs into a problem… CS has got as much spark as a flat AAA battery… and the best thing is, he doesn’t know it…

AG on the other hand does not know how to pick up subtle cues. She is often heard saying “I didn’t see that coming…” And of course, she didn’t. So AG has no idea that CS is still interested in her.

One fine day, CS actually proposes… while having lunch… fried chicken to be exact. Now try to imagine this… two people sitting on the floor of the living room, with a bucket of Original Recipe between them… the guy suddenly says, “let’s get married” in the most monotonous voice you can ever imagine...

AG froze for a few seconds, and then starts rolling on the floor, laughing… she didn’t think he was serious…

Suffice to say, CS has never brought up the topic of marriage with AG ever again.

Now you would think that the story ends there… but the network producers have decided to extend for a few more seasons…

Over the years, CS and AG have gone out several times… always with big gaps between dates… after 15-16 years, all that CS has had the courage to do was give her a peck on the cheek… he obviously still wants her. AG on the other hand has developed stronger feelings of CS…

So they declared their love for each other and lived happily ever after… NOT!!

You see, this is why I treat their relationship as a sitcom… it’s funny and it’s been going on for year… plus, you feel for the characters… AG wants CS to ‘make a move’… but he’s just too scared… probably because she laughed out loud when he proposed… though that was totally his fault.

See… sounds like I’m talking about tv show, right? And I’m just as frustrated watching these two as I was watching Ross and Rachel get together… (for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, what rock have you been living under?)

So I’ve been pushing AG to just make the first move… (I want to see the ending already!!) She’s been reluctant for the last couple of years… she isn’t sure if he actually likes her… she’s afraid that he’s just hanging around because he’s a friend, that sometimes says something nice to her and holds her hand in a soft and tender way… not that he actually likes her in ‘that way’… (now do you know why I call her anxiety girl?)

Then suddenly today, she IM’s him… “let’s get married”…

What’s with the extremes!? Oh well, better than nothing.

Instead of saying “Oh yes AG!! This is a dream come true!! I have been waiting for over a decade!!!”, he pulls a ‘Homer’…

AG : I want to get married. Let’s get married

CS : Yoou waln’t trroo gettt marrrrieddd?? (he panicked)

AG : Yes. Let’s get married

CS : Marriage is good… you know our friend X from school… he’s getting married… he called me up and asked for my address so he can send the invite… just got it.

AG : ???????

CS : Wait, were you joking about the marriage?

AG : …………………

OMG!!! You see!!!??? SITCOM!!

Sometimes in life, you don’t see what you’re doing wrong (or right for that matter). You see everything from only one angle – yours… but if you were to have an aerial view of things, or in this case, an audience’s view, then maybe you might see things differently…

If things don’t seem to be working out for you, ask for a second opinion… doesn’t mean you have to take it, but an outsider’s view helps you reassess yours.

I wonder what happens next season?

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not..

"The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others, how much they love them while they're alive." O.A. Battista

Have you ever played that game where you pull out petals from a flower, each time saying 'he/she loves me... he/she loves me not'... with the final petal telling you whether that person is in love with you or not? Usually it's played by people who have a crush on somebody but has no idea how the other person feels about them...

It's easier to make things up in your mind... or let flowers decide the direction of the so called relationship rather than actually saying something to that person... only problem is, it's not real... but then again, it's not risky...

I've always been a firm believer in being straight to the point and actually telling the person that you like them and would like to explore the possibility of the relationship being more than just friends...

Of course, being a firm believer in something doesn't always mean that you 'walk the talk'...

In my younger and foolish days (this was a very, very, very long time ago... I'm now older and foolish, but that's different story), I used to have a problem telling a girl I liked her and would leave it at that… I used to be the ‘One Date King’. I would ask a girl out, go on the date and then it would end there. A lot of things would go through my mind such as ‘does she like me enough to go on a second date’, ‘would she say no if I asked her out again’, ‘do the both of us even click?’, and the ever popular ‘what if she wants to only be friends?’. Suffice to say, I had very low self esteem. This was, of course, just ridiculous, considering the fact that I’m so extremely charming!

This was sad because I was not giving myself, the girl, or the possible relationship a chance… I nipped it in the bud before a hypothetical disaster might happen.

Being a guy adds extra pressure. A guy is supposed to be the one who initiates the whole thing… he’s the one who should put his dignity on the line and say ‘I like you’…

This is, of course, totally unfair… women have been asking for equal rights and responsibilities in society, and this is one responsibility I would gladly share with the fairer sex. Unfortunately though, not many women are up to the challenge. Why is that?

I posed this question to a girl about 14 years ago… and she told me that it’s not easy for girls take on the role of ‘initiator’… society (back then anyway) wasn’t ready for girls to be that straight forward. There’s a Malay saying, perigi cari timba, which loosely translates to ‘the well went looking for the bucket’ (I think…). The girl in question, had in the past, told a guy her feelings towards him… the guy freaked out and pretty much rejected her… after that, she was ashamed of her actions and worried about what people would say about her…

That’s really sad… personally, I would take it as a compliment if a girl went up to me and told me they liked me and would like to take the relationship further… it has happened before, and even though I was not interested, I didn’t get freaked out, and still remained friends with them. I would respect her for having the courage to do something that I am too scared of doing. The guy who freaked out and rejected her was, for lack of a better word, stupid for not recognizing how strong she is… also she’s quite pretty… how often do you get a chance to be with a pretty and strong woman? :P

Whether you’re a man or woman, if you do meet a person who you like, you should take the risk… jump off the deep end, head first… if it doesn’t happen, then you wouldn’t have lost anything… you never had them in the first place. You could only gain from the experience.

I know it’s scary… I’ve passed up the opportunity countless times. But there’s no better way to conquer your fears and insecurities than to face it head on. You may think ‘but he just admitted to being scared of doing it as well’… but then again, I’m not single and available anymore, am I? When’s your turn to join the club?