Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 3

If you're already here at Lesson 3, then you should really look into where you get your relationship advice... I'm not saying you shouldn't read this blog, or shouldn't buy the book when it comes out (if it ever comes out)... I'm saying that every relationship is different.  There is no hard and fast rule about what the logical next step should be.  You should always go with whatever your heart says when it comes to a relationship... of course, if you've been single for the past decade, then a little help from this guide couldn't hurt.

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Assuming that your first date went well, then the both of you are probably gonna give it a try... so now, you're actually 'seeing' someone.  I wouldn't start putting lables like "dating, couple, boyfriend, girlfriend, love interest" and etc just yet... you've just gotten past the first date... now take it nice and slow... what's your rush?

It baffles me when some of my friends go out with somebody once, and already considers that person their boyfriend/girlfriend... I feel like that's way to fast... being a couple requires commitment.  How could you possibly decide to commit to somebody after just one date?

I know, to each his own... you might argue that sometimes you can feel like that person is 'the one'... if it wasn't possible, than how would I explain 'love at first sight'?

I know I've written about this 'phenomena' before... can't remember where... but the gist of it is that I don't believe in such things... there's 'infatuation at first sight', 'horny at first sight', 'like at first sight'... but no such thing as 'love at first sight'... love requires understanding somebody, trusting them, letting them see you at you lowest lows and highest highs... how do you get all that from one date?

Anyway, these next few weeks or months will be the time that you both get to know each other a little better... don't try too hard.  You might be tempted to buy gifts for the other person, or leave cute notes, or send nude pictures of yourself... go ahead, but do only what you feel is something you can do for the rest of your life.  You do not want to 'wow' the other person, but when you're in fully committed relationship with them, you stop doing it... that will just ruin things between you two at a time when it means a lot more to be together.

Also, don't be a lazy bum... I know some people say 'you should love me for who I am'... but that's really pushing your luck.  If you care for a person, you would make some concessions or sacrifices.  Again, these are things you can do for the rest of your life...

Confusing, right?  Do something for the other person, but don't do too much, or too little... Unfortunately, there's no way to quantify this.  You have to find a balance that's comfortable to both of you.  You don't want to leave the other person wanting, nor do you want to suffocate them.

It's a fine balance that you have to achieve... and that's why not all relationships work out... you don't find that balance... trying to figure out that balance early before you commit is the key... of course, most of us ignore the signs... we then get into a fully committed relationship, and somewhere down the line, break up.  It's the need in society to label people as a 'couple' that makes us rush into things... it's like reading the first chapter of a book, then skipping right to the last one... we have no idea what happened in the story.  How are you supposed to make a decision on whether the book was good?

So where do you go from here?

If you can't find that balance, go to Lesson 1
If you can find that balance, go to Lesson 4

Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 2

You're on a roll now, aren't you?  You were cool... you were smooth... you got the first date.

Now some of you might be thinking that this is more of for guys... I talked about how to approach the target, how to get the first date, etc... if you think that, then you're living in the 1920's... women won the right to work, the right to vote... now they have the right to ask guys (or girls, depending on their orientation), out.

Now back to the first date.

You might want to avoid a movie... you see, I used to do that... I meet a girl that I want to get to know, so I ask her out and take her to see a movie... big mistake!

Why is it a big mistake?  You see, the first date is all about judging whether or not you two (or three and above... again, depending on your orientation) actually click together... if you're going to pursue a relationship, you have to know if that person is fun to talk to, interesting, have an annoying laugh, chews with their mouth open, etc.  The problem with a movie is that... well... you both just stare at the screen.  That's two hours into the date that you spend without talking to each other.

I've got a story... (of course I do)... this happened a long time ago... I asked this girl out and we went to see a movie.  First problem : there was really nothing good playing, but because somewhere in my head, it's customary to go see a movie on a first date, I bought tickets to 'Kull The Conqueror'.  I'm not saying that it was a bad movie, because I don't do movie reviews here on this blog.  But it was really bad.  Now, during the movie, I couldn't defend my choice of movie because, well, can't talk during a movie.

To make matters worse, I kept on having to go to the gents.  The girl seriously thought that I was so nervous about the date that it caused the frequent trips to the gents.  In actual fact, I've got a small bladder... but there was no way of correcting the facts (though bladder issues aren't the best conversation topics on dates) because we had to be quiet during the movie...

So, two hours into the first date, she thinks I've got bad taste in movies and I'm nervous till I have to pee.  Not exactly the best impression.

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For the first date, it's best to stick with a situation where you can talk in a relaxed environment... a simple meal or coffee would be great... this way, you spend the critical first few hours getting to know each other... that's what the first date is all about...

Oh yeah, before I forget, I should remind you to NOT BRING YOUR FRIENDS.  The first date is all about getting to know each other... not your friends.  Plus, you don't need extra judging eyes at the table.  Two pairs are more than enough...

It's best to keep the first date as simple as possible... don't think too much about the implications... after all, it's just the deciding factor of whether or not you're going to give a relationship a chance... errr... well... might be a bit important.

Now, get yourself on that first date... after that, you'll have to decide whether you can proceed to Lesson 3, or head back to Lesson 1.

Syam's Dating Guide : Lesson 1

I was complaining the other day (okay, I complain most days) about how I haven't started writing my book and began my career as a starving artist... (now, I'm just a starving consultant)... my problem is I haven't decided what to write about... so my friend tells me to write a bunch of short pieces about relationships, just like this blog.

Sounded like a good idea because I'm really horrible at relationships... but as they say, 'Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach'... So this leads us to the subject of this post... I'm going to write a series of posts about what dating is... a step by step guide on the do's, don'ts and the wtf's... after that I'll put it all into a book.

Of course the book will be the full version, with more goodies inside (I'm going to resort to putting marijuana samples inside to boost sales... plus I'm pretty sure it's more fun to read if you're stoned)... that way, you'll still want to go out and buy it...

Class, our first lesson is...

Lesson 1 : Getting Your Foot in the Door

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First impression is always the most important.  You don't want to look like a total moron, unless of course the 'target' likes morons... (you'll be surprised at how many people fall for moronic behaviour... I have a 'pizza hut' story which would serve as a perfect example, but won't share it with you guys until after I tell the story during the couple's wedding).

You want to be cool, but not winter type of cold... reminds me of what happened to me the first week I entered university... we were all lining up to register for something... everybody was dressed in old t-shirts, jeans and sandals... I decided to go all with a more stylish look...

I can't really remember what I was wearing, but I do remember the sunglasses (it was sunny, and we were outside).  I was in my "I'm cool and I don't give a damn what you think" phase (that phase lasted about two weeks).  There were three girls behind me... one was hot and the other two were not bad...

So the hot one starts talking to me... imagine three girls with an "OMG! He's so cool!" look and me with the most arrogant facial expression you've ever seen...

Hot Girl : hi... you're Syam, right?

Me : yeah...

Hot Girl : i'm (name1) and this is (name2) and (name3)

Me : hmmm...

Hot Girl : you're from XX college, right?

Me : yup...

Hot Girl : so your taking YY course, right?

Me : yup...

As you can see from this example, I was a total ass... unable to have a simple conversation... suffice to say, I did not end up with Hot Girl... in fact, never spoke to her ever again, though I did see her around...

There is of course the very opposite end of the spectrum on how to 'break the ice' with that target of yours... people like somebody funny... you have to admit that you are more comfortable with a person if he's easy going, cracking jokes... releases all the tension...

I have an example... (of course I do...).  This happened a long time ago... my friend told me of his experience in trying to get a date with this hot older girl... it wasn't his idea... he had a bunch of friends responsible for that decision.

Anyway, he goes to the convenience store and get a mini candy bar... Cloud 9, for those who remember it.  Not a whole candy bar, but a mini one.  Then he goes up to her while she was with all her friends... daring... and he immediately goes into this speech... (the speech was in Malay, but I'll give the loose translation instead)... now imagine the goofiest looking 17 year old going up to a hot older girl who's hanging out with her friends...

Friend : XX
Hot Older Girl : yes?
Friend : Please accept this candy bar as a token of my love for you... I know that it is not much of an offering for you deserve so much more, but it is everything that I can give right now... and everything is what you'll get from me if we are together... would you like to go out with me?
Hot Older Girl : hahahahahahaha... okay...

It was original... it was funny... so she said yes... (by the way, they never went out... a few minutes later, she saw my friend being carried around like a conquering hero by his friends for getting a date with her... she was not amused)...

There's many different ways for you to get the attention of the one you like... there's really no set formula on what works best.  My best advice to you is to be yourself.  If you were to start with a fake personality, then you have to continue faking it for the entire relationship... either that or disappoint the other person when they find out that you are not the same person that they initially liked...

There's always something good about every person... and there is at least one person out there who will see it during the first meeting... so relax, be yourself, and get your foot in the door.