Grief

I'm in one of my dark and gloomy moods... people around me have noticed it... they say I don't say much anymore, I'm often in a world of my own, I take way too long to answer questions... in other words, I'm the exact opposite of my usual self...

Something has obviously gone wrong in my life, and I'm trying to deal with it. I read about the 'five stages of grief' before this... so I kind of know what's going on. So in an effort to cheer myself up, I'm going to take a 'less than serious' look at the Kubler-Ross model... (by the way, the 'u' in Kubler has those two little dots on it, but I have no idea how to do that!).

The first stage of grief is denial... I LOVE this stage... what a better way to start things off by denying anything has ever happened? At this point, obviously things have not sunk in yet... as they say, ignorance is bliss!

Reminds me of story when I was in school... I was in the Interact Club (a junior version of the Rotary Club), and we volunteered to help out at the Malaysian Association for the Blind's family day. A few of us were in charge of the registration when this particular man arrived... when we asked him his name, he kept quite and went through the name list... he only told us his name when he couldn't find it in the list... after registration, he wouldn't accept any help to his seat, and decided to find it himself...

It's one thing to deny the fact that you've lost your job, or broken up with your partner... but to deny the fact that you're blind just takes it to another level... by the way, we let him be because none of us were blind and didn't know what he was going through...

Second stage is Anger... now this is fun... this is when you can blame everybody but yourself... nobody gets spared... if you get lung cancer from smoking, you'll probably blame the government for not outlawing the sale of tobacco... it's just nice to have somebody to blame, don't you think?

Stage number three - bargaining... you'll start to give up your believes and ideals to get back what was taken from you... It may involve a lifestyle change, or a change of heart... but usually it's something you wouldn't do under normal circumstances.... I have a friend, who fortunately stood firm at 'the bargaining table'... she broke up with the boyfriend, and when they discussed getting back together, the now ex-boyfriend put one condition... anal sex! All I have to say to that is "owwwkayyy"... (by the way, I know you guys must be wondering if she 'took the deal'.... she didn't... )

Stage four is the worse, which is depression... the moping around, crying, antisocial behavior... you will feel like just hiding in your room/house, not eating, doing nothing... you'll call your friends and ask them what they're up to. When they ask you to join, you'll politely decline... showering becomes optional... a smile nowhere to be seen... this will take a lot out of you... because amazingly, doing nothing makes you tired... there's no use cheering somebody up when they go through this... let them mourn their loss... it's healthy to let it out instead of keeping it bottled inside...

Finally, stage five... acceptance... YAHOOOO!!! This is when you realise that 'shit happens'... you do the best you can and hopefully it turns out well... if it doesn't, then there's probably a silver lining... either it's a lesson learned, or you are meant for better things... at this point you rejoin the rest of the human race... you continue with your life, slightly bruised, but better in the end...

They should add a sixth stage though.... PARTY!!

Way of the Future

Last night, I went out with my family... by that I mean my parents, sisters, their families... you get the picture... I thought it was just for our usual family get-together during the weekends, but it was actually to celebrate both my birthday as well as my niece's.

So, finally figuring out how to upload pics from my phone into my facebook, I started sending pictures of the food and the cake... as usual, friends started to comment... then I realized something weird... one of my nieces commented on the pics... only thing was, we were in the same house at the same time...

I've even heard stories about parents communicating with their kids through the facebook wall... all while they were sitting beside each other...

I seriously think technology is out of control... we are getting further and further away from normal human interaction. We have this false sense of connection by just 'adding' a friend on facebook... it used to be just for friends... now it has expanded to include your relatives...

I now have an excuse not to visit my relatives... when I do show up during the festive season, everybody knows about everything going on in my life anyway, so it even spares me the 'catching up' conversations...

I may be a bit old fashioned, but I really prefer to talk in person... yes, technology makes everything more convenient, but it's so impersonal... I like the whole human interaction thing... I want to spend 3 hours at a coffee shop, just talking... of course it's now regarded as a waste of time... if you 'chat online', you can get your banking done, write a blog, edit pictures, download songs and whatever else you do online at the same time... if you're at the coffee shop, you're just drinking coffee...

It's not to say coffee shops no longer have customers... you have a bunch of people who hang out there and use their laptops...

This lack of social interaction does have an impact on my creative juices... if you're not having conversations (and IMs do NOT count as conversation to me) then what could possibly inspire me? Am I supposed to write about how a contact IM'ed this really hilarious link that really made me LOL? I mean, really ROTFL... It was a good thing he caught me right before I was AFK... AFAICT, it was an original joke... I've seen some good ones but AINEC to this new one... I showed it to a friend and he asked me AYSOS? WTF!? So I told the guy to PFO...

Yeah... doesn't exactly sound like Pulitzer Prize winning stuff, does it?

We need to get out more... see more people... live life like we used to... in person... and we somehow must convince the younger Gen-Y folks to do the same... they are even more into this online interaction stuff... they were born into a world where online social networks already existed... this is now their world that we are living in... unfortunately, most people my age (and older) have a hard time relating to these people... not because we are not technologically savvy... but because they don't talk to you in person...

Do you know how frustrating it is to interview the fresh graduates nowadays... they don't know how to talk... I'm pretty sure if I put a laptop in front of them, and start to IM with them, I'll get better responses, though it will be in short form...

Unfortunately, if you ever say this to a Gen-Y kid, the most likely response will be PMYMHMMFSWGAD! (look it up, it's a real acronym...)

Trust Issues

Do you remember your first relationship? The initial stage was the best. You were innocent then. You had never been hurt, lied to, cheated on, disappointed by or any other bad thing that happens in relationships. You trust the person, no matter what they said or did. You basically didn't have trust issues...

But relationships don't always have a fairy tale ending... in fact, I've never heard of a perfect relationship.

So things start to happen to you... it may be small things like your partner is always late... or big things like your partner turns out to be an illegal alien trying to get citizenship.

Whatever the problems you face in your relationship, you carry it with you. Your partner may be late once, but later on, you expect them to be late. And when they are occasionally late, you go all nuts, telling them how they are always late...

If you think this is bad, then you're gonna cringe when you read what's next... you bring this problem with you to your next relationship... you expect your new partner to be late all the time?

Sounds too far fetched?

Look at your current relationship... do you trust your partner 100%? If you were to see your partner walking down the street with somebody else, would you wonder who that person was? Would your mind be at ease while you wait for your partner to explain? Would you believe their explanation?

I would like to think that I am an understanding person... that I am full of trust when it comes to people, always giving them the benefit of the doubt. Of course, deep down I know that I'm nothing like that. I worry. I jump to conclusions. I lose sleep. And that's just over the simple things such as being late... we haven't even touched the more serious things...

No statement would be complete without an example... so I'll give you one of mine... I have a problem when my phone calls are not answered... I'm not talking about a landline, but a cellphone. People don't go anywhere without their cell these days. If you're in a meeting, you can always excuse yourself to answer the phone and say that you'll call back... or just a simple text message to say that you'll call back... there is no reason (in my head at least) for you not to answer your phone... As a friend puts it, 'if you don't answer the phone during office hours, then you better be lying in a ditch'.

I've never thought about this 'thing' of mine until today... and I've finally realized the reason behind it. Many years ago, there was an event involving unanswered cell phones... and trust was betrayed... years later, I still don't handle it well...

What!? That's it!!?? No details!!??

Well, this blog is about my life lessons... not a peek into my private life...

When we take these distrusts and insecurities with us, we are constantly punishing our partner for one mistake... it's even worse if we take it into our next relationship. Your new partner will pay for somebody else's mistake.

Love is about trust. Yes, it's tough to trust. But you'll be happier if you learn to trust...

Your partner may have a good reason for the things they do... you might not like the reason... you might not even understand it... but hey, if you can't trust your partner, then who can you trust?

One Year Later

I started this blog around the time of my 30^th birthday… it was supposed to document my life’s journey for the next decade. Now a year has almost passed. I’m turning 31 this month. So what have I learned within this one year?

1. People don’t read blogs which are not updated often – ok, that was definitely my fault. I got busy and in my down time, I couldn’t muster up the energy to turn on my laptop and start writing. Have to thank you guys though for being loyal and reading this stuff…

2. Men age like wine – when I was turning 30, I pretty much freaked out. I’ve always liked the fact that I looked younger than my actual age. I’ve been asked for ID at a club when I was 28-29. Suddenly, when I ask people how old they think I am, they started saying I was 30+! But then, I started noticing something… women respond better to older guys… I don’t know, maybe it’s something about the illusion of wisdom and stability that comes with age… and it’s not only with women. The appearance of youth in men worries people in the business world. It seems that the older you look, the more people trust you.

3. I am horrible at musical instruments – I’ve been trying to learn the guitar for the past year. Still stuck at the first few chords. My guitarist (who just happens to be my guitar teacher as well) shakes his head when he sees me play… he says I need to relax a bit more… by the way, I’ve also tried drums… just as bad…

4. I am getting worse when it comes to remembering names and faces – I really have to do something about this. I’ve had this problem since I can remember. It’s really getting out of hand now, since I deal with hundreds of people for work. This is an actual conversation that has happened when I went for a meeting –

Me : hi, I’m Hisyam from _________

Client : yes, I know… we’ve had meetings together before.

Me : oops…

5. I’ve learned to relax – one problem with being young is that you have all that fire in your blood. You take offence to everything little thing that people do to you (or sometimes it doesn’t even involve you, but you feel ‘morally’ obligated to give that person a piece of your mind). One thing I’ve learned is if you can forgive others for their trespasses, then your mind will be at ease. It’s not to say you won’t protect yourself, but if it’s already happened, then it’s a lesson learned, and you move on. I’m much happier in traffic (and the time just flies when you don’t care that other people are cutting queue), I’m happier with my family and friends, I’m happier at work… It’s not to say I’m a saint now, but I’m moving in that general direction.

6. Karma is a bitch, and she holds a grudge – I’ve seen a lot this year to make me believe that statement. Never hurt somebody on purpose… seems that the payback seems to double of what you put that person through. Have you ever noticed how people that get where they are by stepping on other don’t ever seem to be totally happy?

I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of other lessons I’ve learned throughout the year. Though I think it’s going to take me some time to figure those out… So I guess I'll end this post with ...

To Be Continued... (at my own leisurely pace, of course)

Back To Basics

I thought this time, I would try things a little differently with my blog. Instead of embracing technology and typing things up, I've decided to do things the old fashioned way... with pen and paper.

God, my handwriting is awful!

You see, back in 'my day', that's how we did things in school. I first learned creative writing with a pen and several pieces of paper. You didn't type up a single thing. There were editing marks all over your first draft, in a different coloured ink. Your final draft was still handwritten, but had to be in your best handwriting.

Things were much simpler then... everything in life was new, hence it amused and inspired me to write. You didn't think about political correctness or worry about offending anyone because all your thoughts were... well... as corny as it sounds, pure and innocent.

Enough with the flashbacks... back to the present.

It's not that there's nothing happening around me that inspires me to write anymore... there's lots of things. Lies, political maneuvering, backstabbing, anger... and that's just during my drive to work. By the time I picked up my pen just now, I've experienced more events than a soap opera. Problem is, there's nothing positive that really stood out.

Adult life seems to get more complicated with every waking moment. You deal with problems, only taking the rare five minute break to come up for air. Little amusing events are scarce.

Have you noticed that if you hear a funny joke at work, you get excited when you get home and tell the joke to your loved ones? You start off with "I heard this joke today..." Do you realise that the highlight of your entire day was ONE joke? This is such a contract to when you were a kid... you come home from school and won't stop talking for two hours about what you did that day...

No wonder kids say that adults are boring...

There are several methods out there that's supposed to keep you from going insane. The first being "work hard, play hard"... In other words, work like mad during office hours (and then some), then party like mad afterwards. Do you know how much 'partying' I have to do to totally erase the events of the day from my mind? (That was meant to be a rhetorical question, though in the past, I have tried to quantify it... the closest answer I ever got was "WTF!?")

Second theory is to do something you love. There's a problem with that... let's use an example of a tennis player named 'Andre'. Obviously, Andre loves to play tennis. But then, to remain on form, he has to train non stop. I don't know about you, but if HAD to do something I love for eight hours a day, six days a week, I would go nuts. After all this training, Andre has to cope with the pressures of winning his matches... not to mention bad calls by the line judge.

So here's my theory... work and play at the same time. Keep the workplace alive. Joke around while you work. LAUGH!! Some people do not agree with this method, citing low productivity as a result. But how much productivity could you achieve if your staff is busing bitching about the work? Make the workplace as fun and enjoyable as school was (I'm referring to the early primary years... not the exam driven rest of the school life).

Life doesn't have to be complicated or frustrating or every bad adjective you can think of. When face with troubles of adult life, go back to basics - be a kid.

Spoiled

I always write with the assumption that my readers actually know everything about me. Amazingly, I do get random visitors from cyberspace who don’t have a clue who I am. I would think that totally ignoring them and not giving a short background story before rambling on about an aspect of my life would be, for lack of a better word, stupid. That would be like turning on the tv and watching ‘Lost’ for the first time and starting at episode 27. You would lose interest pretty quickly...

So here’s a little background on me... (I’m not going to go on and on about my entire life story, just the part that has something to do with this blog post).

I do NOT like kids. I think they are messy, noisy, etc , etc... When I was younger, I would always say that the minimum number of kids I’ll have is none, with a maximum of one. Now you have to understand something... it’s not that I hate them and run away screaming when I see one. I’m actually quite nice to them (because it would be impolite to be otherwise)... and they seem to love me... really, they won’t stop hanging around me...

Now, I do have nieces and nephews who read my blog... you guys are probably saying “OMG! He HATES us!!” So before you go all grumpy on me, let me clarify something... I love you guys because you’re family... I’m just not too wild with the fact that you’re kids...

Anyway, back to me... even though I don’t like kids, I do have one... a five-year old boy... the love of my life... there are no words that can describe how much I love my son (you parents know what I mean). To me, he’ll always be my baby boy, and I love that he’s the cute kid that he is...

Now that you’ve got the background, let’s get on with the story...

I was at McDonalds with my son on Friday... it was just the two of us... so it went as usual... he wanted fries, so I made him promise to eat the main meal as well. Got him a happy meal... etc etc....

Anyway, I set everything up for him, so he started eating his fries. Now, he did not touch his fried chicken (we’ll debate eating fried chicken at a burger place instead of a fried chicken place later)... so I had to break of pieces of the chicken and ‘feed’ him... then I realised something...

He’s five-years old... he’s already going to school... he can count, add, subtract, read some words, write some words, play video games, watch videos on ‘YouTube’ (I’m not kidding... just load the page for him and he’ll browse through the videos he wants... he can spell the names of the cartoons he likes, so he can do a search), lecture me on the harmful effects of smoking and recommend a nicotine patch, and read a story to younger kids (this just happened a few hours ago at my sister’s open house... he faked it though... held a book and told a totally different story that he had memorised from one of his own books). But he will not feed himself for the main course. He’s only ok with side dishes and snacks.

The reason for this is, he is spoiled!

My bad...

I have had this great urge to spoil my son ever since he was born. He will get pretty much everything that he asks for. What makes it easier for me is the fact that he’s so well behaved. He’ll ask nicely... and if I don’t give him something (with a valid excuse, of course), then he won’t throw a tantrum... he might try to bargain (“just one time”), accept the answer (with a cute “ok”), or make a really sad face with the occasional tear (note that it’s ONE tear)... how could you not say yes to that?

I know... it’s not good to spoil your child, but I can’t help myself... I guess it’s how I was raised... you see, my dad spoiled me... he spoils all his kids, but I get extra special treatment. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m his only son...

Now don’t get me wrong... my dad was (and still is) very strict with kids... he’s the scariest person I know. I’m pretty sure my son thinks the same way (he doesn’t really dare to misbehave when I’m around.

Anyway, back to my dad... from the stories my sisters would tell about me, it seems that I was really spoiled as a child... I got away with everything... but then, I turned out to be quite a well behaved kid. I guess it’s the balance between spoiling and being strict.

My dad’s habit of spoiling me didn’t stop when I became a ‘young adult’... when I was doing my degree, my grades were slipping... I was staying on campus and had a bit too much fun... so to punish me and get me back on track, my dad... wait for it... bought me a car...

Errr....

His logic behind it was so I can stay at home and drive to campus... that way he can ‘keep an eye’ on me... yeah right! But amazingly, even though with a car I had a heck of a lot more fun, my grades did improve...

I see a lot of similarities in my dad’s and my parenting style... there’s some weird logic going on there, but it turns out well in the end... I would like to think that I turned out ok... and my son is one of the most well behaved and well rounded kids I know.

Who would have guessed that a person who doesn’t like kids would end up being a very doting father...?

Our Kids

About a week ago, we finished the fasting month and celebrated Eid (or Hari Raya in Malay).  The whole celebration is still ongoing to this day.  It’s a month of celebration after the month of fasting… it’s a good way for me to re-gain the weight I lost over the past two months.   

Since it’s a month of celebration, I should write something cheerful… I plan to, but not today… instead, I’m going to tell you guys about an experience I had during the fasting month… it’s one of those moments that change your perception on life…

During the fasting month, my client organized a trip to an orphanage.  They do this kind of things all the time during the year, but this is the first time that I found the time to join.  

The truth is this was the first time I’ve ever been to an orphanage… I didn’t know what to expect.  I was thinking we would go there, bring some stuff for the kids, give the money they collected from the staff, have dinner with them and go home…

When we got there, the kids looked extremely happy that they had visitors.  They didn’t really notice the supplies that we brought them… they were more interested in us!!  They were shy, but wanted to get as close as possible to the ‘visitors’…

We all sat on the floor while there were some short speeches from the people in charge of the orphanage as well as the organizing committee… I know for a fact that when I sat down, the kids were no where near me… a few minutes into the speeches, I looked down and saw two kids cozying up to me!  One sat to my side and one in front of me… the one in front kept on turning around and smiling every time I looked at him… you can’t help but smile back…

The whole time we were there, the kids wanted to be as close to us as possible… at first I couldn’t figure out why… then it hit me…

I shower my son with hugs and kisses whenever we are together… it’s not limited to just when we are at home… even when we are out shopping, at the movies, etc… and it’s reciprocated by my son… he hugs and kisses me all the time (well, almost all the time… he doesn’t acknowledge me when he’s in front of his friends at school!).

We take this simple act for granted… everyday we get love, affection and attention from our family… both physically and emotionally.  These kids grow up without it. 

Sure they have their caregivers… but there’s one old couple who’s taking care of 20+ orphans of all ages.  I’m pretty sure they can’t get around and give everybody a hug every day…

You go through life putting money into a donation box, never really giving the orphans a second thought… sure they need your financial support to survive physically, but they also need you love and attention to survive emotionally…

These kids don’t have parents, so we should start thinking of them as our kids… it’s not something that’s hard to achieve… make your way to an orphanage, and you’ll understand what I mean.