Sex

You perverts… as soon as you saw the title, you couldn’t help but clicking on the link, could you?

Don’t worry… you’re normal. I am going to blog about sex though, so you won’t be disappointed that the title was an awful attempt at cheap publicity. I’m going to talk about…

My first time…
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… teaching my son about ‘the birds and the bees’… didn’t you know this is a family oriented blog??

Anyway, I haven’t been asked by my son to explain where babies come from yet… he’s still fixated on the moon’s movement around the earth… and of course, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. But I’m pretty sure he’s going to ask soon.

I’ve never lied to my son when he asks me about any topic… I’ll stick to the actual scientific explanation (I’ve actually explained why you can only see parts of the moon some nights… I used a globe and explained the moon’s movement around the earth). I could have gone with ‘because it’s like that, lah…’ or ‘there’s a man on the moon and sometimes he switches of the lights to save electricity’… but that would just confuse him in the future. I find that kids are smart enough to understand scientific fact… they may ask you to explain it again for about 200 times, but that’s just a part of parenting.

Asians mainly regard sex as a taboo topic… I’ve never had the ‘sex talk’ with my parents… well, except for one line from my mom many years ago which was “no sex before marriage.” I was lucky though that I grew up in Canada, where sex education was part of the syllabus… It’s better to get your information from teachers and medical personnel than to get it from your friends and porn.

Contrary to popular belief in Asia, learning about sex does not mean that you’ll immediately go out and get those ‘birds’ and ‘bees’ to meet. Since the formal education already satisfies your curiosity, you don’t need to go out and ‘experiment’. In fact, the main theme of sex education in schools is abstinence.

Now back to my son. I don’t claim to be an expert in child psychology or even basic parenting. So I’ve got to do research on this topic first… I don’t want to be caught off guard when me son asks “how did the baby get into his mommy’s stomach”. Too much info and he might get confused… too little info, and he might get curious… and we all know how curiosity killed the cat.

This is tough. I wonder if I can just stick to my mom’s line. “Son, no sex before marriage!”

Silver Lining

Everybody has done something they regret… it’s their Homer Simpson “D’oh” moments… whether it’s a bad decision based on insufficient data, or a bad decision due to a moment of utter stupidity, it still resulted in a moment in your life that you would gladly erase.

Call me naïve, but I believe even bad things happen for a good reason… and you become a better person because of it… I’ve come to realize this only recently (last few years)… I believe in this because of a couple of reasons…

First being the fact that I believe in karma, ie what goes around, comes around. Now, I’m a good person… I may be a bit on the naughty side, but I’m mostly a good guy… so if something bad happens to me, it’s gotta be because it’s actually good for me…

Secondly, I have learned to look at the big picture… now when I say ‘big’, I’m talking about a very long timeline… this is kinda hard to see if you’re still a teenager or even in your early twenties… it’s because you haven’t lived long enough to see the effects of a certain event… now that I’ve crossed over into my thirties, my bad events from 15 years ago now seem like a blessing that led me to ‘better’ things in life now…

An example would be if I had gotten better grades in my pre-uni days… I would have ended up doing my degree in IT instead of physics… I would then not have learned all the amazing things about the way the universe works… and wouldn’t be able to say “trust me, I’m right… I have a degree in physics” (which shuts people up, no matter what the topic was).

Actually, there’s a third reason… but people always say that there are two things you shouldn’t discuss in public… politics and religion. You never know who might be offended…

Anyway, back to clouds with silver linings…

Having this view in life really helps me cope with the challenges that I face everyday, both professionally and personally… it’s not to say that I don’t get stressed out… I’d be lying if I said that nothing fazes me… I go through the normal phases that everybody goes through when something bad happens… shock, sometimes with a little panic thrown in… then regret… it’s just that I add one last part, which is acceptance with a blend of optimism… it doesn’t always come immediately… sometimes taking months or even years… just as long as it’s there…

I’ll leave you all with this quote…

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

Glamour

I’ve always craved for attention. I would say that my parents are to blame… you see, I am the only son… my parents both wanted a boy so much… at that time they already had two daughters… it’s not that they didn’t love their daughters, but a son would ‘complete the package’…

So I was born after a 12 year gap. I had all the attention in the world. Being the first boy in the family meant no hand-me-downs… new clothes, toys, etc… The family was finally complete, with me being the ‘feature attraction’… (I do have a younger sister, but I have a hunch that she was an accident… I wonder if she reads my blog?)

So here I am… the center of attention for the whole family. Now, I couldn’t get the same attention I get at home when I’m out in the ‘real world’… there are lots of ‘only sons’, ‘only daughters’, only everything out there. So how do I get the attention I need?

Well, simplest way is to be ‘loud’… but I had a tiny problem… I lived a pretty much sheltered life (my parents are overprotective)… so I was very shy. In fact I’m still shy to this day… every time I am introduced to somebody new, I’ll keep quiet.

I was so shy that when I just moved to Canada, the teachers thought I didn’t know how to speak English… I was so very quiet. They even put me in ESL (English as a Second Language) class for a month before they realized I was just shy.

So I went through a few years of school without really standing out. I had friends, like any normal kid, but I was just one of the kids in school.

Then in 9th grade (equivalent to form 3), I took drama as one of my subjects. Obviously, part of it was getting on stage in front of everybody and doing a bit of acting. When I’m put on the spot, I will do pretty much anything, even though it scares the lights out of me. The first time I got on stage, I felt like I had a million butterflies in my stomach…

I still feel that way each time I get on stage… it’s not worth ‘performing’ unless I come close to having a nervous breakdown. Yet I don’t turn down a chance in the spotlight…

So what drives me to seek all this attention? Why do I need all the attention, even though at a risk of a nervous breakdown each and every time?

As much as I hate to believe this, but I think it’s to get a false sense of approval. When you’re small, every little achievement of yours is celebrated by your family. You are, for the most part, somebody’s pride and joy.

Your first words, your first steps… everything is greeted by cheers from your family. But then, you have to realize that there is no other reference point (unless you have a twin). But it doesn’t work that way in real world.

In the real world there is so much competition. You’ve got to have that special ‘something’ in order to stand out in a crowd. Most of us just blend in… we never really getting that extra attention or approval… just surviving under the radar.

Getting up on stage gives me a chance to be noticed. Either people say “hey, you’re really good!” or they say “that wasn’t as good as I was expecting, but at least you’ve got the courage to get up there”… both comments put me ahead of the rest of the pack. Of course there are the usual “get off the stage, you no talent freak,” but I’ll just ignore those negative people.

Getting up on stage in front of strangers gives me a chance to almost feel the way I would with my family and closest friends… that, I guess, makes this cruel world seem less intimidating.

Either that or the glamour attracts groupies…

Nice Guys Finish Last

I sometimes believe in Karma… you know… ‘do good things, and good things happen to you.’ For example, give a homeless guy some spare change, and you suddenly get a ‘performance bonus’ in your next paycheck…

I also believe in the fact that ‘life is fair’… for example, have you ever noticed that really good looking people don’t sound very good on the phone… or with every couple, there’s almost always one good looking one and one… err… ‘less good looking’…

These first two ‘rules of life’ are good, fair and let us live in harmony… but then life would be too easy, wouldn’t it. Unfortunately there’s one really awful rule that sometimes come into play… it’s the ever evil ‘Nice Guys Finish Last’.

Another term for a nice guy would be ‘doormat’. You see, you start off by being nice… but you over do it… you are nicer than the average person. You start forgetting about ‘win-win’ solutions, instead, you opt for ‘they win – you bang your head on the wall’. But being the nice guy that you are, you say nothing, and just swallow that bitter pill.

Soon, you even give up the things/ideals that are important to you. And then you loose all sense of self esteem and are, in essence, somebody’s bitch.

Of course, by that time, it’s too late. You can’t change the dynamics of your relationship now. Can’t suddenly expect to grow a pair, and expect the other person to suddenly respect you.

I sound bitter, don’t I? To tell you the truth, I WAS. Please note the past tense here…

I realized that a person who takes advantage of the ‘nice guy’ is just insecure… they don’t have it all together… they need a ‘punching bag’, so to speak. If that person was strong, they wouldn’t need to overcompensate for their shortcomings by treating other people badly… they would be, well, nice…

Being a nice guy means you’re a rock… you are confident… you can handle a lot of shit… you’re the hero in all this…

So let’s look at the big picture. By being the ‘doormat’, you are actually being the stronger person. You are basically helping the other person cope with life, because they are just unable to do it on their own.

Sure it’s sometimes a pain, but if you look at it as helping someone, then to me, it is pretty much worth it. After all, you do nice things for others, nice things happen to you…

Judging Beauty

I listen to the radio on my way to work in the mornings and for the last couple of days, Fly FM has had the Miss Universe Malaysia contestants come in during the morning show. As usual, they had interviews, blah blah blah… anyway, it got me thinking (which hasn’t happened much for the last couple of months)… why would you want total strangers, ie the judges, to decide whether you are beautiful or not?

And I’m not only talking about physical beauty here… if you don’t win the competition, then they are basically saying you are just not physically beautiful, not charming, don’t have enough poise, not intelligent, etc… etc… compared to the winner.

Why would you put yourself through that kind of torture?

To me, it’s equivalent to your kid coming home from school with his/her report card… overall they are 15th in the school out of 175 students in terms of exam results. Instead of telling your kid “good job… your efforts are really paying off”, you tell your kid “good job, but you do know that there’s 14 other kids who are smarter than you?”

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m all for competition. But most competitions are quantifiable. You keep score… and the more skill you have, the higher the score… with a beauty contest, it’s just too subjective…

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder (or beer holder, in some cases)… hence, you can’t really judge somebody’s beauty.

It has been suggested to me that I should enter my son in ‘baby contests’ when he was younger… I just couldn’t do it. I know my son is cute… heck, every parent think their kid is the cutest. But in the end, I didn’t want anybody else to say otherwise.

Now back to these beauty contest judges… it must be tough for them… they have to judge a person based on what is perceived as beautiful by society. In mainstream media, it’s believed that perfection equals beauty… but I think that’s just wrong… it’s the imperfections that make people uniquely beautiful.

If you were to walk down a busy street, you would see a lot of people who, to you, are not beautiful at all… but they ALL have somebody who thinks they are beautiful and love them for who they are. It may be their parents, their partner, spouse, children, friends, etc… in other words, who are you to judge.

I guess I’m not a fan of beauty contests… but then again, maybe I’m just jealous that the DJs got to hang out with those beauty queens…

Bullies...

I've always believed kids should be disciplined... It was the way I was brought up. When I was growing up, there was a list 32-pages long that outlined everything that I CANNOT do... ok, I'm making that up. There was no list. Simply put, I had a very strict dad...

I have passed everything down to my son, in a sense that I'm very strict. And one of the things I've taught my son was how to treat others... as in do not fight with other kids, no hitting, etc...

Now here's my problem... because of the way I've raised my son, he has no idea how to deal with bullies in school. My son is being bullied!!

He just started kindergarten in January. This is his first time 'mixing' with other kids. I've had a maid since he was very small, and before that he would stay with my parents during the day. His only friends have always been his cousins. He was the youngest up until recently when my younger sister had a baby. So all his cousins would really take care of him... it's either a sense of responsibility on their part, or they are just afraid of me (I could be quite fierce with kids).

Anyway, my son has come home numerous times with cuts from falling down. Upon 'investigation' (hard to get a straight answer from a 5-year old), it seems that his 'friends' were almost always the cause of his falls... Now you can always assume they were goofing around and he accidentally fell, but last Friday, it seems that one of his friends slapped him in the face...

Now here's the dilemma... should I erase the discipline I've instilled in him for the past 5 years and tell him to just beat the crap out of his friends, or should I tell him to just tell the teacher (which he doesn't seem to do... I've spoken to the teachers before and they had no idea... my son has never 'reported' any of the incidents).

I'm actually at a point that I want to pack a small metal pipe in his bag and tell him to 'defend himself'... but that's just not the type of person I want my son to be... I don't know how to advise him since, well, I've never been bullied...

Now you may be surprised to learn that I've never been bullied... I'm underweight now... so imagine me in school... plus, you throw in the good grades in school, and interests in things which would be considered 'uncool' (such as Star Trek - though I wouldn't call myself a 'trekkie' and walk around saying "live long and prosper").

I guess there were two factors that determined my 'bully-less' school days...

First, I grew up in Toronto. Now I'm not sure how it is in other places, but in Toronto, there were a lot of primary shools... so that meant that each 'graduating' class was only around 20-30 people. That made everybody quite close... so by the time I got to high school, I suddenly found myself still mixing around with the people who ended up in the 'cool' group... So I was, for lack of a better term, 'cool by association'... that also meant that I go way back with even the bullies... in other words, I knew 'low people in high places'...

The second factor was the education system in Canada. In high school, you get to choose your elective subjects... So I took things that interest me such as drama class (I still love to act), gym class (I'm not that bad at sports... not good either, but still not bad), and shop class (nothing more macho than to work with oxy-aceteline torches and car engines). And amazingly, the cool kids took those as well... I also tried out for the varsity baseball team (I didn't make the cut, but with good reasons... the seniors had arms bigger than my thighs... there's no way I can throw further/faster than them). I guess the fact that I tried showed that I have balls... that's like currency in high school...

I did have friends that came from schools outside the district, took boring classes, didn't play sports, but yet had interests which were deemed 'nerdy'... felt sorry for them, but nothing I could have done...

Now back to my son's dilemma. I can't apply any of the things I did in school to his situation. I don't want him to resort to violence... I want him to be like me... a lover, not a fighter ;)...

I guess I'll have to go talk to his teachers again. He's still young, so I doubt he'll mind having his dad fight his battle for him... SuperDad to the rescue!!

When I Grow Up…

I think I stopped growing when I was 12 years old. I’m not talking about physically or mentally. It’s my personality.

About a week ago, I went to my vendor’s office to pick up some documents on my way to lunch. I hadn’t been to that office in quite a long time… so all the new people have never met me. They have however spoken to me on the phone on numerous occasions. So, I walk in and the first person I met had this look on her face. It was as if she was dying to ask me ‘are you lost?’… I think she was about to ask me when her manager called out to me…

Everybody in the office (who didn’t know how I looked like) was just standing there, wondering who I was… because I actually looked like a fresh graduate, looking for a job (this was what they told the manager). Now, what made me look like a fresh graduate was my ‘young’ looking face, but also the way I acted. I was joking around with some of the managers, went for a quick smoke with the director (smoking is bad for you – TAK NAK! *this has been a public service announcement by the great people at ‘Yet Another Decade’) and generally acting like a small kid.

When they later found out from the manager who I was, they couldn’t believe it. They know I joke around a lot on the phone, but it seems that I have this ‘air of maturity and authority’ when I’m talking about work. So they expected somebody who ‘looked’ older…

Over the last few months, I’ve started to realize that I do have a ‘childish’ personality. I laugh a lot, joke around, and I’m generally easy going. It’s a good thing and bad thing. First, the bad part… I’m afraid people won’t take me seriously… heck, I don’t even take myself seriously… simplest example are credit card sales people in shopping malls. They will approach pretty much everybody who walks past their booth. They even follow people around. But yet, if I’m not in office attire, they don’t give me a second glance… I look like a kid and I act like a kid… that’s including when I walk around with MY kid… of course, to most people (including me) that’s a good thing. So people don’t bother you… but what if this ‘childish’ outlook affects people’s perception of me during business meetings…??

The bad part seems really bad… need the good part to cheer myself up…

Now the good thing about being a bit on the childish side is that people let their guard down… to them, there is no longer a need to be firm, serious and guarded if they are dealing with ‘a child’… never, ever underestimate a child (I actually learned that from dealing with my son… but that’s a different story).

I find that the easiest way to get somebody to agree with you is to push the idea forward in a very light, joke laden way… oh yeah, also with a nice child like smile (not the dishonest ‘I’m gonna cheat you’ creepy kind of smile). People respond better to child like innocence…

Now don’t get me wrong… I don’t manipulate people in order to get what I want… I just deal with people in a way that I’m comfortable with… and thank goodness, my way makes people comfortable as well.

Well, almost everybody… some people confuse the happiness with being gay… I’ve actually been asked if I was gay several times… but that, of course, is a different story.

How I act was not learned in self help books… it comes naturally… I guess it’s because I was raised in a very loving environment in terms of family… I guess the more you were loved as a child, the happier you are as an adult. And that translates into a more cheerful personality which may be perceived as childish behavior. You guys should see what it’s like when I’m around my sisters… it’s like a bunch of 12-year olds hanging out together, with the laughing and joking around.

I wonder how many kids say ‘when I grow up, I want to be a kid’…