Glamour

I’ve always craved for attention. I would say that my parents are to blame… you see, I am the only son… my parents both wanted a boy so much… at that time they already had two daughters… it’s not that they didn’t love their daughters, but a son would ‘complete the package’…

So I was born after a 12 year gap. I had all the attention in the world. Being the first boy in the family meant no hand-me-downs… new clothes, toys, etc… The family was finally complete, with me being the ‘feature attraction’… (I do have a younger sister, but I have a hunch that she was an accident… I wonder if she reads my blog?)

So here I am… the center of attention for the whole family. Now, I couldn’t get the same attention I get at home when I’m out in the ‘real world’… there are lots of ‘only sons’, ‘only daughters’, only everything out there. So how do I get the attention I need?

Well, simplest way is to be ‘loud’… but I had a tiny problem… I lived a pretty much sheltered life (my parents are overprotective)… so I was very shy. In fact I’m still shy to this day… every time I am introduced to somebody new, I’ll keep quiet.

I was so shy that when I just moved to Canada, the teachers thought I didn’t know how to speak English… I was so very quiet. They even put me in ESL (English as a Second Language) class for a month before they realized I was just shy.

So I went through a few years of school without really standing out. I had friends, like any normal kid, but I was just one of the kids in school.

Then in 9th grade (equivalent to form 3), I took drama as one of my subjects. Obviously, part of it was getting on stage in front of everybody and doing a bit of acting. When I’m put on the spot, I will do pretty much anything, even though it scares the lights out of me. The first time I got on stage, I felt like I had a million butterflies in my stomach…

I still feel that way each time I get on stage… it’s not worth ‘performing’ unless I come close to having a nervous breakdown. Yet I don’t turn down a chance in the spotlight…

So what drives me to seek all this attention? Why do I need all the attention, even though at a risk of a nervous breakdown each and every time?

As much as I hate to believe this, but I think it’s to get a false sense of approval. When you’re small, every little achievement of yours is celebrated by your family. You are, for the most part, somebody’s pride and joy.

Your first words, your first steps… everything is greeted by cheers from your family. But then, you have to realize that there is no other reference point (unless you have a twin). But it doesn’t work that way in real world.

In the real world there is so much competition. You’ve got to have that special ‘something’ in order to stand out in a crowd. Most of us just blend in… we never really getting that extra attention or approval… just surviving under the radar.

Getting up on stage gives me a chance to be noticed. Either people say “hey, you’re really good!” or they say “that wasn’t as good as I was expecting, but at least you’ve got the courage to get up there”… both comments put me ahead of the rest of the pack. Of course there are the usual “get off the stage, you no talent freak,” but I’ll just ignore those negative people.

Getting up on stage in front of strangers gives me a chance to almost feel the way I would with my family and closest friends… that, I guess, makes this cruel world seem less intimidating.

Either that or the glamour attracts groupies…